Welcome To Monday

5:00 AM: Alarm goes off.

5:00 and 13 seconds AM : Snooze. Muffled cursing.

5:05 AM: Cat begins licking face and frantically purring, as if to say: Treats? Please? MOMMA I LOVE YOU PLEASE GET UP AND GET ME COOKIES! NOW!

5:06 AM: Try to tell cat to get lost. Actual words uttered: "Mmrrpphgump" Cat mistakes swatting motion for patting. Purring and face-licking becomes more enthusiastic.

5:07 AM: Notice that the cat doesn't have the most delightful breath. Consider rolling over. Dismiss it as much too much effort. Briefly acknowledge the pointlessness of the snooze button, sleeping is not occuring.

5:07 and 45 seconds AM: Fall asleep.

5:09 AM: Alarm goes off again. Cat jumps onto nightstand, meows expectantly, and knocks alarm to the floor. Cat makes alarmed noise and runs from the scene in fright.

5:10 AM: Get out of bed. Walk to kitchen. Give cat treats and refill water bowl. Look blankly at the coffee pot in an effort to try to remember how to make coffee. Give up. Get Diet Coke out of the fridge. Drink 1/2 can while brain struggles to engage.

5:12 AM: Make bed. Give self mental high five for setting out clothing the night before. Gather clothing and take it to bathroom.

5:13 AM: Shower. Realize you are mostly just standing there, half asleep. Decide that it's the effort that counts. Nearly step on cat, who thinks she should ALSO take a shower. For several moments, this doesn't seem weird.

5:14 AM: Realize that your cat is very odd. Try to say to cat: "Get out of the shower, you whack job." Actual words uttered:  "Mmrrpphgump"

5:25 AM: Get out of shower. Get dressed. Look at hair in mirror. Acknowledge futility of attempting to style. Put hair in messy bun. Take a moment to be thankful that you work from home.

5:30 AM: Drink remainder of Diet Coke. Decide that now have enough caffiene in system for coffee pot to make sense. Measure coffee. Turn coffee pot on.

5:32 AM: Remember to add water to coffee pot. Start coffee again.

5:33 AM: Open fridge door. Stare at food. Oranges: require peeling. Too much work. Bagels: Require slicing and toasting. Both potentially dangerous. Eggs: Just ... no. Cereal: Is not in the fridge, but then, neither is the milk that would be required to eat cereal. Try to say out loud "I need to buy milk". Actual words uttered: "Mmrrpphgump."


5:35 AM: Have moment of gratitude that live alone and don't have to try to actually communicate with anyone other than the cat, since have become essentially nonverbal.

5:36 AM: Microwave premade breakfast sandwich. Pour coffee. Shoo cat, who is still all wet, out of kitchen sink. Cat jumps on floor and proceeds to chase tail.

5:46 AM: Realize that sandwich has been done for 9 minutes. Eat at counter, while drinking coffee and watching cat continue to chase tail.

5:56 AM: Cat finally catches tail. Takes hearty bite. Squawks in fear and runs to hide behind sofa, all the while looking for the vicious creature that bit her tail.

5:57 AM: Boot up computer. Cat runs into room and curls up on table beside desk. Meows approvingly.

5:58 AM: Log into work site.

6:00 AM: Welcome to Monday.