Over Thanksgiving, a well-meaning relative who shall remain nameless decided that, since she didn’t know any nice boys for me to date, perhaps I should consider dating some nice girls.
Plus, she pointed out, I kind of have a butch haircut. So I’d fit right in.
I don’t know if I’m correct about this, but I have the sneaking suspicion that she thinks that I might actually be a lesbian, so she was kindly trying to give me a comfortable space in which to come out. Which, frankly, seems very thoughtful of her. I should thank her for that.
And to be honest, in retrospect, I’m fairly certain that there are a LOT of people who think that I am gay, given my frequent levels of outrage on behalf of the gay community.
So let me say it here: I’m sorry if it disappoints (or startles) anyone, but I do not identify myself as a lesbian.
If I DID, though, it would not be a secret. You’d already know. I’d probably have business cards that say “Hi, I’m Danielle ….. Aaaannnnd I’m a lesbian” because do I seem like the type that would keep that to myself? (And for those among us who are going to respond with “Why would you do that? I don’t announce that I’m straight,” I would say this: You don’t usually HAVE to announce that you’re straight. People make assumptions about heterosexuality and will accept you according to those assumptions. It’s often easy to “pass” as it were – it’s more challenging, and sometimes dangerous, to put yourself out there when you don’t identify as straight, but which is also why I wouldn’t compromise if I did identify as a lesbian.)
If my posts seem … vague … on the topic of sexuality, because I try to use words like “partner” and “significant other” and identify romantic relationships in multi-gender ways? It’s because I am aware that it’s a heterocentric old world, friends and neighbors, and I’d like to make sure that no one reads my blog and feels excluded, as though my ditherings about relationships don’t include them.
And let’s face it: my gay and lesbian (and otherwise identified) friends? They don’t need more exclusion. They already live in a world that, on a large scale, feels very comfortable telling them that they’re marginal and incorrect, that they don’t deserve basic rights, and that it’s okay to treat them poorly.
As I write this, I am uncomfortable with using the pronoun “them” because I don’t feel like this is a “them” issue. I said I don’t identify as a lesbian, which is true, but I do identify as human. As in, we all are. As in, it’s not okay to treat anyone badly, to deny anyone rights, to make anyone feel marginal or incorrect.
So if my language is ambiguous, it’s because I want to make sure that you, dear reader, and your partner – whatever gender y’all might be – feel welcomed in my house, even if it’s just an internet-y house made up of words and ramblings, and I will argue endlessly with anyone who says you’re not welcome, you don’t deserve those rights, and you don’t deserve respect and dignity.
You know what I think? I think it takes courage to love someone. It takes even more courage to love someone when you know that so many people continue to be fueled by hate and ignorance, and will feel justified in making your life miserable as a result.
Which is why I won’t support a political candidate who doesn’t support gay rights – because it’s not about “special” rights, it’s about EQUAL rights. It’s why I also won’t think kindly of someone who thinks homosexuality is a mental illness, a condition that can be cured.
I will, however, say this: Ignorance? Is a mental condition, and it’s EASILY cured.
Maybe we could get on that.
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