It’s been a crazy couple of days here, which explains the late post on Monday and the complete lack of post on Tuesday. And by crazy busy I mean: I had a full blown panic attack at my desk yesterday.
This used to happen all of the time, but lately has been a rare occurrence. Normally I’m able to see them coming and can talk myself out of them. Not yesterday. Yesterday I was gripping my desk and wishing for a Xanax (seriously, if you were my doctor, wouldn’t YOU give me Xanax? I would. And I’d probably take one when I saw me coming, to be honest. I know that I’m a bit of a mess).
What do you want, I asked myself silently. What would make you feel better right now?
Immediately, several things jumped to mind. An island vacation. A winning lottery ticket. A hug, preferably from Mark Harmon.
And then, weirdly, I thought: I want a cup of coffee.
I want a hot, delicious cup of coffee and I want to drink it someplace other than this desk.
I want to hold the cup in my hands and let the heat sink into my bones. I want to drink it out of the Las Vegas mug my sister got for our dad, the one I promptly … erm, "borrowed" … because I love it. That mug.
But you probably don’t need caffeine, whispered the part of my brain that tries to manage everything.
Shut up, said the rest of my brain. That’s what I want. That’s what will make me feel better.
Well, that and a fluffy cat in my lap.
Worked like a charm.
Here’s what I’ve learned: when things are going really really REALLY poorly, sometimes you just need to ask your miserable little self: What do I want right now? If you can shuffle through all of the stuff you can’t have (like tropical vacations or snuggles with your favorite movie star), you can find, sometimes, the thing your soul most needs: some space to dance. The chance to sing your favorite song, out loud. Or maybe just a cup of coffee. And once you’re there?
Things seem a hell of a lot better.
And you don’t even need an insurance card or a copay. Which MIGHT make it better than Xanax.
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