Head. Ache.

I was out of commission with a migrane yesterday. It started on Monday afternoon, and I thought: “Well, okay, I’ll sleep it off.”

This usually works.

But I woke up yesterday morning and still had it. It was bad. The kind where you try to crawl, whimpering bravely (okay, that might just be what I do) out of bed and immediately have to throw up because oh, the PAIN.

People who get migranes know what I’m talking about.

People who don’t say things like: “Isn’t it just a headache?”

To which I reply: “Yes. Like a zombie tearing through the top of your skull to eat your brains would just be a headache. Or someone driving a railroad spike through your left eye. Or a great white shark eating your face. Or a crane running over your head. Those would just be headaches, too, right?”

This is usually when the more astute non-migrane sufferers back away.

Some, however, don’t. They think they can be helpful, and start suggesting things you could try, you know, to get RID of the crippling pain.

(This is sort of the equivalent of some “helpful” individual telling a fat person that s/he needs to exercise, as though the fat person will say, “REALLY? I DO!” (Falls weeping to the floor, clutching their educator’s hand with gratitude.) “THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT BEFORE! WHY HAS THIS BEEN KEPT FROM ME?!”)

For a migrane, this comes in the form of: Take an aspirin! Take an Advil! Take a Tylenol!

Why thank you, I’d never heard of any of these miraculous painkillers, and certainly wouldn’t have TRIED any of that! I’m so glad you were here to tell me!

Argh, migranes.

The best suggestions come from migrane sufferers – we demonstrate, as a group, that we will do ANYTHING, ANYTHING to make the pain stop.

“Get in your car. Drive three blocks, do a u-turn, come back. Get an ice pack. Hop 5 times on your left foot, place the ice pack on your face, and recite the first seven stanzas of Longfellow’s Hiawatha. Get into bed and cover only your right hand with a blanket. Jab a pencil into your eye, and then try to sleep for exactly 85 minutes. That might help.”

If you know someone who gets migranes? And they suggest something like that to you to help with yours? YOU WILL TRY IT. You will not be able to help yourself.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go look up Hiawatha.

(MANY thanks to all who sent me migrane conquering tips that were more elaborate than "take an aspirin" -- I tried them all, so I don't know what eventually worked, but I appreciated them!)