Sunrise

(click here for the link)

I woke up this morning to wind, rain, and grey stormy skies. Which, since it's January, is not a huge shock. It happens.

This is a month that I won't be sad to be shut of. It's been exceptionally hard. Stuff that I needed to have happen? Didn't. Things that I didn't want to have happen? Did. There have been tears and sickness and anxiety and foolishness and stress.

Did I mention this month has been hard?

At one point, I said to my mother: "I get that this is a lesson? But why does every lesson have to be so damn painful?"

"I don't know, Yellie," she said. "I don't know."

Here's what I DO know: I think I've learned it. I think that what I had to learn from this is that you just have to trust, and then let go. Which doesn't mean you don't work and hustle and do what you can? But it also means you release that which doesn't belong to you (it's not my duck) and learn to believe that things work out the way they're supposed to. Even if that's not what you want, or not what you think you need. Have faith. You'll be okay.

I am, when possible, putting my energy into things other than worry (I have xanax for the anxiety. It helps.)

It might be a stormy day, but I keep seeing a break in the clouds and getting glimpses of blue sky and sunshine.

I call that hope. And I'm going to let go of my fear and wrap my fingers around that instead.