Flight

Yesterday, The Fella didn't have a great day and neither did I. As a result, at one point, we were both a little bit cranky.

You're probably thinking, well, Yellie, this is normal. Normal people get a little crabby now and again. Sometimes, they even get a lot crabby.

I know that. I know that it's normal.

I also know that my reaction to crabby is NOT normal.

I am guessing here, but I feel like normal people can have crabbiness tension enter their life and not have their entire system go on red alert. Normal people can get mad -- or have other people get mad at them -- without bracing for a blow. I think.

I wouldn't know, because that's how my system reacts.

Now, to be fair to me, there's been some -- we're going to use the word trauma because I don't have a better one -- in my past that makes this reaction the safest and, likely, the most rational one, but it's still terrible. I don't want to be afraid to have a bad day, or afraid when someone else has a bad day, because I feel like the entire world could end at any moment and is also completely unsafe, so I have to both be ready for whatever might come and also? Hide inside my head.

I need to work through this, because it makes me a bad partner. I have a hard time communicating conflict because it is too scary. I also shut off entirely if someone is speaking with me in a way that I feel is aggressive-- I'll look at them, possibly nod in the appropriate places, but I can't engage any more than that -- or with anger. I will apologize for EVERYTHING -- and then I will apologize for apologizing.

I don't know how The Fella puts up with me, but I'm thankful that he does. And I'll keep working on it. After all, we all have the right to a bad day and a little crabby.

Even me.