So Much For That

I've never known quite what to do on my ex-iversary. (That would be the anniversary of your marriage to someone you are no longer married to. Yes, I made that word up, but I feel justified in doing so.)

My friends and family, I think, would like me to pretend that it doesn't exist. Like it's another day in a series of days that has no signifcance or import.

Which would probably be fine, I think. Except for the fact that it's the day I got married. Except for the fact that it's the day I trusted my heart in the care of someone else.  Which, yes, ultimately turned out to be an error.

But still.

I don't know what to do with this day. I don't know how to mark it, and yet I feel it should be marked, somehow. I can't mark it with a communication with my ex -- we don't do that anymore. And what would I say? Thank you for loving me enough, at least for one day? Thanks for letting me go when you didn't want me anymore?

Thanks for giving me something that I didn't know enough to want on my own?

Because as it turns out, leaving me was the kindest thing my ex ever could have done. And I would thank him, if we were at a place where we spoke with one another.

I would thank him.

But we're not.

But... if we were? Perhaps I would say this: You hurt me, so much. And yet, despite all of that, I owe you, in some strange and undefinable way, for setting me free from a relationship that, at the end, only caused me pain. I should have been stronger, earlier. You should have been kinder, much much sooner. But I learned many many things, and for that I should thank you, though I think you'll forgive me in the end for my failure to do so.

I want you to be happy.

Because, and this is the most magical thing of all: I am happy.

Today? Would be my wedding anniversary. So I'd like to take this time to wish my ex husband nothing but the best. Because, as it turns out, we were both meant for many things, but sadly, we were not meant for each other.

It seems like so little.

And at the same time? So much.