Rebooting

My doctor once told me that she wasn't sure if I had anxiety because I was depressed, or if I was depressed because of the anxiety. Then she decided it didn't matter, because either way, I was depressed and prone to panic attacks, so she prescribed some meds and off I went.

For the record? The meds worked very well.

And then I was NOT on the meds, because my health insurance was suddenly and abruptly discontinued (fun with divorcing) and I couldn't afford them.* And then I moved and just sort of ... never went back on them.

For the past several months, I've been having  -- what's the word -- episodes. Which is a understated way of saying that for the past few months I've been having the worst panic attacks EVER in which I find myself sort of ... forgetting to breathe? Which is kind of awkward because you know, breathing. Important. Or getting caught in ocdish anxiety loops which are ... well, if you've ever had one, you know. If you haven't, imagine putting a cd on repeat for one single song and then leaving it that way for two or three days and just having to listen to the same song, over and over. You don't have the option of listening to something else. No other music actually exists for you. All you've got is that one song. Now imagine doing that with an issue in your life -- it's all you've got. It's all consuming.  You have nothing else.

Not. Enjoyable.

Exhausting, actually.

So I finally decided that I wanted to be done with it... but I wanted to see if I could try something behavioral rather than something chemical. Not because I don't like being on meds ... I don't mind it, and they're SO helpful ... but because I don't want to PAY for the meds.

After some research and lessons on meditation, etc, I have discovered that I can get myself unstuck when I start to spiral by giving myself a key phrase.

That phrase is: "I don't have to worry about this right now." And then I have to find something else to do so that I actually CAN'T get started with the fretting.

It works because not only do I commit to finding myself a distraction (often, cleaning something) but I also am giving myself permission to worry about whatever it is LATER if I need to. By telling myself that I don't have to worry right now, I have acknowledged that a) it's okay to worry, if worry is merited, and b) that feeling anxious is permissible sometimes and doesn't have to be a negative thing.

Does it work all of the time? No. But it works MOST of the time... which, frankly, is good enough for me.  I don't need perfection -- I just need to get through each day, one at a time, as best as I can.  And for the days it doesn't work?

I don't have to worry about those right now.


*NEVER EVER go cold turkey off depression meds, by the way. Potentially fatal. And quite uncomfortable as your heart tries to remember what it's supposed to be doing -- "Oh right ... BEATING ... that's my job ... "