Confessions of a "Nice" Girl

I used to be a "nice" girl.

Nice how? Nice like this:

 "Tickets to the International Exploitation of Women and Animals Film Festival? On a Thursday night? There's nothing I would like more." 

"Of COURSE it's my fault that you just took the wrong exit on the highway! I should have been paying more attention!"

"I absolutely will not mention that I find your political beliefs appalling, because I couldn't ever debate with you!"

"Clearly, your musical tastes are superior to mine. We can exclusively listen to your music and it will be entirely okay with me that you disparage the things I like as often as possible! Wheee!"

"Obviously, I can't be smarter than you, because you find that threatening. So I will purposely lose this round of Jeopardy."

Lame, I know.

But.

I don't think it's just me. I don't think I'm the only one. I think that as a society, we often teach little boys to be assertive and empowered, and we teach little girls to be "nice".

(Interestingly, we seem not to be teaching little girls that it's important to be nice -- actually nice -- to EACH OTHER. As I write this, I wonder if some of the mean girl phenomenon isn't a result of two things: teaching girls to view one another as competition, and also? An outlet for all of the stuff we teach them not to express. Frustration requires some kind of an outlet. It's a theory.)

But what does it mean to be nice? Does it mean sitting in a car as a 29 year old woman, allowing yourself to be lectured by your boyfriend/husband/significant other about how crappy your attitude is, how he doesn't like your tone, how you need to shape up -- all because you had to audacity to mention that you preferred a different presidential candidate? Does it mean that all of your responses to said lecture happen only in your head, because it's more important to be nice (read: agreeable, polite, supportive) than it is to be honest, forthright, strong? So that even though you're seething and sad on the inside, the only thing you utter is "I'm sorry"?

Granted, my examples are extreme... but are they THAT extreme?

A friend of mine recently had a long day, got home, and got a phone call from a male friend, telling her that he was outside and she would be going to a sporting event with him. She did not want to go. She was tired and she had things to do. But she went because, she said, "I didn't want to be mean."

Can I tell you about this friend? She takes no prisoners. She is a kick-your-ass, strong woman. If I had showed up at her house in the same situation? She would have said, "Yeah, I don't feel like going. And stop telling me what I'm going to do, because that sucks."

But it's important to be "nice", right? Not a bitch. Nice. Even when it means doing things that you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable with.

Can we redefine what it means to be nice? Really nice, and not "nice". I think it means kind and thoughtful, not harming anyone. However, it does not -- and should not -- mean that you can't be honest. It does not mean that you give up your power and fail to speak your truth.

It does not mean sitting silently while someone who disagrees with you tells you how stupid, rude, horrible you are.  It does not mean that you allow someone to manipulate you by asking "Why are you being so mean?" when you are being as honest as you can be in the kindest possible way. It does not mean that you cave or back down when someone calls you out as a bitch simply because you do not want what they want.

I'm through being a "nice" girl. I don't like "nice" girls.

I like nice people.

And if you're not going to be nice to me? This formerly "nice" girl will politely -- even kindly -- tell you where to go.