First, let me say that violence is never the answer. I obviously don't think that punching or assaulting someone is a good way to resolve anything.
However, if my immune system were a person, I would be sorely tempted to kick her in the shins.
People. Do you know what it's like to have a violent (and kind of out of nowhere) allergy to milk?
Let me just tell you. Here's what it's like to go to the grocery store:
"Hmmm. Here I am at my neighborhood store, lalala. I should get out the list I made... But since I made the list, I probably don't need it. Plus, it's hard to hold the list and my purse and push the cart. So. List stays in the purse. Why do they keep rearranging this store? It makes it so hard to find things. Annoying. Okay, produce. Fruuuuuits ... and vegggiess ... oooh! Apples! I love apples! Apples and ... cheddar cheese. Oh wait, I can't have cheese. Huh. Do I still want apples? Survey says ... no. Bummer. Walllllll of cheese ... guess I can walk right past that. Oh cheese. How I miss you and your deliciousness. Don't look at the cheese. Don't look at it. Okay. Um. Let's see. I wanted to make pasta sauce so I need ... onion. Garlic. Green pepper. Oh, if I make sauce, I could make ziti bake. Om nom no-- wait. That has multiple cheeses in it. That's out. Which means lasagna is out too. And ... dammit, ravioli is out. Okay, spaghetti is in. I like spaghetti. With freshly ground parm... wait, no. No parm. Just spaghetti. Huh. Well... I like spaghetti. That would be okay. I mean, it's delicious and all. Oooh, with cheesy garlic bread? Or, no. NO CHEESE NO CHEESE NO CHEESE NO CHEESE. Cheese no longer exists in your world. Avoid the cheese. Walk. Away. From. The. Cheese. Walking. Okay. Need to go to the deli to get sandwich fixings. (Stares at deli case.) But ... can I enjoy a cheeseless sandwich? Um. No. Would it kill me to eat some cheese on a sandwich? Is projectile vomiting REALLY so bad? Yeah, I guess it kind of is. So. I'll just walk away from this here deli case. Because ... yeah. Maybe I'll make BLTs or something. There's no cheese in BACON, amiright? I'll get the veggie bacon too ... it's not so messy. So that's something. BLTs. Yeah, that's the stuff. And I'll make some salads. Back to produce. Except -- I really only like bleu cheese dressing. Well that's a problem, isn't it. Maybe no salads. Better buy salad stuff anyway. A girl needs some leafy greens. I'll just pretend I've never heard of the deliciousness that is the dressing. (Frowns) HOW CAN I BE ALLERGIC TO BLEU CHEESE? What have I done to deserve this? Let's move on. Oooh a fish counter. I LOVE fish! Fall equals fish chowder! I should totally make fish chowder. Except, wait. Milk. (makes slightly panicked noise) No chowder. No chowder of any kind. Because I can't imagine making it with soy milk. That would be ... well, it would be weird. And I might get kicked out of New England if I try that kind of fancy dancy nonsense. Also, I think it might be yucky. So never mind. Good gracious, this is hard. I need to walk away. And buy some spaghetti. Yeah. That's what I'll do. Oh look what lives near spaghetti. Mac and cheese! I make really good mac n cheese. Well, I MADE good mac and cheese. Guess I can't have that now. Egg noodles. I should make tuna noodle cassarole. I love that. So comforting. But once again -- cream of anything soup is out. So ... yeah. Okay. Would anyone think it was weird if I curled up in front of the mac n cheese and cried for a little bit? Because I totally want to because I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EAT SOMEONE HELP ME! WAH! All right, Danielle, get it together. Throw the pasta in the cart. Get some canned tomatoes. That's the stuff. Spaghetti sauce! YUMMMMMM. You're going to make great homemade sauce. Oh, there's the bakery. PUMPKIN MUFFINS! Shut it! Oh, they're filled with cream cheese frosting. Lord, I love that. All sweet and creamy and ... vomit inducing. Because of the cheese. No muffins for me. Apparently, this allergy is going to make me lose weight because I can't. Eat. ANYTHING. Oh, there's the coffee. I need coffee. No milk in coffee, yay for me. Need the nondairy creamer. Um. Not the flavoured kind. Oh look, they ONLY have the flavoured kind. Pumpkin creamer and TEA do not mix! What the heck! Fine. I'll just get coconut milk for my tea. I need fake milk anyway. This is not festive. Now I'm just trying to think of yumminess that is milk free because I'm stressed out and I need a nommable pick me up. Chocolate, no. Ice cream. No. Um. Popsicles. Yeah, popsicles. Don't look at Ben and Jerry, Danielle. It will make you sad -- OHHHHHH The Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream is here. That's so good it's SO GOOD. But no. Popsicles it is. And maybe ... Maybe I need some wine. I think I deserve a glass. A big one. "
This is what I left the store with:
1 green pepper
1 onion
1 clove garlic
1 big can of crushed tomatoes
1 can tomato paste
1 box spaghetti
1 head boston lettuc
1 pint grape tomatoes
popsicles
coffee
pumkin creamer
coconut milk
wine
beefsteak tomatoes
veggie bacon
Please note that in my flustered state, I neglected to buy bread for the blts. Apparently, I will be going back to the store.
Goody.
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