"You know? I don't know."
As I mentioned, I am changing the way I look at food, exercise, etc.
As I did not mention, I threw out my scale for the last time.
There were multiple reasons for this. The primary reason was that my scale was broken. Broken-ish. The battery was dead, so I would stand on it and nothing would happen. No scrolling of numbers followed by immediate judgement and possible self loathing. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
It was useless to me. There's no point in having a scale in your bathroom if it can't help you to determine your value as a human being.
So I tossed it.
I thought about replacing it. Without a scale, how would I know how to feel about myself? How would I know if I was pretty or worthy or valuable without a number in the digital readout?
And then I thought, why am I being such an asshole to myself?
Look. This isn't my first ride on this particular merry-go-round. I've tossed scales before -- and then bought new ones because my bathroom scale is like the most horrible security blanket ever. It's an INsecurity blanket -- it's what I rely on to make sure all of the worst things that I think about myself are true and, perversely?
I feel like I need it.
The problem with body dysmorphia, though -- and I know this as well -- is that the number on the scale will NEVER be small enough. There is no readout that would ever make me feel worthy or wonderful or beautiful.
And if that's the case?
Maybe I need to let it go. Even if it's scary. Even if I don't know what to do without it.
I don't know if I'm losing weight or how much weight or what. I do know this: I feel good. I feel happy and pretty. I smile a lot more.
That's a lifestyle change I can embrace.