Sparkling Vampires, Unite! (WARNING: This is about Twilight)

I read the first two books in the Twilight series yesterday (please note my refusal to refer to it as the Twilight "saga". SAGA? Really, people).

They exceeded my expectations in that they were actually ... readable. However, I should probably note that my expectations were very low. How low? An analogy, if you will: I was thinking that Stephanie Meyer is to literature as Miley Cyrus is to music.

Low, people. They were low.

My new analogy: Stephanie Meyer is to literature as ... um, let me think ... KE$HA is to music. Oh sure, she's not very good, but her songs are SO damn catchy that you can't stop humming them. "Woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy -- oh DAMMIT! KE$HA, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" Like that.

However, I do have some questions/comments/general observations and I'm just going to throw them out there:

1. Bella is the first character I've ever read about who's as clumsy as I am AND gets the guy. Of course, her guy is the undead. But whatever.

2. Here's how everyone in Forks should be able to determine who is a vampire/ werewolf: They're the ones with the interesting or old fashioned names. Mike = not a vampire. Jasper? Totally a vampire. It makes sense, really -- who ever heard of a vampire named Mike?

3. Finally, the mystery of Jacob's shirtlessness resolved for me. Every time I saw a commercial for those movies I felt sad for the exploitation of Taylor Lautner's youthful abs, and now -- it's all clear because according to Meyer: Werewolves are HOT. Literally. (also, you know, they don't like to carry their clothes with them when they transform, and it's hard to put a backpack on when you no longer have opposible thumbs. Obviously.)

4. I don't get the Team Jacob/ Team Edward goofiness. Bella CLEARLY prefers the dead guy and ONLY considers hooking up with Jacob as what she admits is an inferior and self serving way. Bella, actually, is a bit of a bitch. "I don't want a birthday party! Rescue me! Don't protect me! OMG, save me from Victoria! Now go away! Make me a vampire!" Blah blah blah. Annoying.

5. It occurs to me that the fact that Bella faints/gets exceptionally ill at the sight and smell of blood means that becoming a vampire is probably a poor lifestyle choice. No?

6. The fact that Bella is in love with a vampire, best friends with a werewolf, and goes to see a zombie movie in an effort to avoid a "romantic film" is hysterical to me ... because ... wouldn't another class of undead/ monster types actually BE a romantic film for her? ("The zombies interested me, because they were so strangely beautiful ... and I realized I didn't know any zombies ... but in Forks, anything could happen...")

7. From a cultural perspective, I don't know how I feel about the fact that the Native American tribesmen are the werewolves. That's sort of taking the "savages" moniker to new and very uncomfortable levels.

8. Charlie Swan may be the most clueless person ever. Book one: Bella tells him she hates it there and takes off to Arizona with vampires, is almost crushed by a car (but Edward saved her!), is almost killed and ends up in the hospital, and has multiple other incidents and near misses. Also, her boyfriend is there EVERY NIGHT. Book Two: Bella nearly drowns, gets lost in the woods, and takes off to Italy (but she leaves her dad a NOTE), again with vampires, but only after becoming best friends with a werewolf. Also, she gets a motorcycle. NONE of these things does Charlie see coming. I don't really see Sherrif Swan as an effective crime solver -- anyone?

9. I like how Meyer throws out the Romeo and Juliet references heavily. REALLY? You want us to compare your book to SHAKESPEARE? (Trust me. You don't want me to do that, Miss Meyer.)

10. I am distracted by the awfulness of Edward's dialogue. (and enough of the "you smell like a wet dog" comments, Meyer! We get it! They're wolves! ENOUGH!)

Halfway through book three. Will keep y'all posted.