Wednesday, July 27, 2016

I Don't Get It

There are a whole lot of things in this world that I just don't understand. Because everything is so ... I'm going to use the word "difficult" ... out there right now, here are some of them.

1. Sweet Potato Fries.

Y'all. WHY? Every time I see something on a menu that says "for an extra $1.50, substitute sweet potato fries for regular fries" my brain translates it into: you could totally spend more money for something that's not in any way, shape, or form as delicious as the traditional crispy fry of joy made from the food of your Irish people, the white potato. WHY WOULD YOU SPEND MORE FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT YUMMY?

And listen, don't tell me that it's because sweet potatoes are "better for you." Because they are FRIED FOOD, which is not a health food last I checked. No. Just say no. Pay the regular amount and get the GOOD fries, you guys. Do it for me.

2. Light (or "Lite") Beer

How about you get regular beer -- you know, beer that neither looks or tastes like urine -- and just don't drink as many? That way you'll have a beverage you are enjoying rather than one you are simply enduring. When it comes to light beer, follow the advice of the immortal Nancy Regan and just say NO.

3. People Who Don't Like Cheese

I know you're out there. I also know you might potentially be a serial killer based on the fact that you don't like what I can only call God's Food. In fact, this is how we weed the serial killers out, I think: We put a cheese plate in front of them and if they only pick up a cracker, and it's not because they are lactose intolerant, we immediately imprison them for crimes against humanity. BECAUSE CHEESE. Seriously.

4. Dirty Dishes in the Sink

You know what's gross? Cockroaches. There, I said it. You know what attracts those little plague carrying demons? Wet, dirty dishes left to moulder in the sink. I know there are folks who don't care about this, but it gives me the creepy crawlies just to think about it. Either wash the dishes or put them in the dishwasher, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't leave them in the sink, lest the mental image make me barf. Gross.

5. Why The Turn Signals In So Many Vehicles are Mysteriously "Broken"

There seems to be some sort of automotive epidemic this time of year, and it -- weirdly -- seems to strike a lot of people who have out of state plates. The turn signals on SO MANY cars just. Don't. Work. I mean, that has to be it, right? It's definitely not that people are CHOOSING not to use them and potentially causing accidents. How are all of these turn signals broken? How is this happening? And why is it so problematic for people from ... um ... a neighboring state famed for its poor driving skills? No one knows, my friends. No one knows.

There are many, many more things in this world that I don't understand, but these are the ones that are perplexing me right now. Will I bring you more later? Probably.

What is perplexing you (that is not political in nature because I think we all need a break)?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Some Mondays are Better Than Others

You know how some days, you're sort of awake when the alarm goes off so it doesn't come as a complete shock to your system? But other days, you are waaaay out there in sleepy night night land and the unwelcome sound of the alarm is actually kind of frightening?

Today was one of the latter days.

The alarm went off, scaring the bejesus out of me. I got out of bed very unwillingly, and then went to attend to Lizzie, who was meowing at me like whoa. I realized as I fed her, "Wow, everything is really blurry. I wonder what's wrong with my eyes?"

Yeah. What was wrong with them is that they weren't being aided by glasses. Because I forgot to put them on.

Listen, y'all. Here's what I can see without my glasses: PRETTY MUCH NOTHING. They are the first thing I put on every day and the last thing I take off every night, but today I was so discombobulated that I forgot them and was just blindly (literally) stumbling around the house, wondering what was wrong with my peepers.

So now I'm wondering what else I forgot to do this morning. I'm sure there's something. (But hey, at least I can see now.)

Hope your Monday is going more smoothly than mine!

Friday, July 22, 2016

Friday Randoms


"I should try not to judge."

"Not me. I'm going to keep doing it like it's my job."


"Now that I mention it, it might actually BE my job. My job description is a little hazy."


"So I cooked my steak with wine, which made it delicious. But also purple."

"Oh my God. You ate Barney."


"I don't know what to make for dinner."

"I was thinking some sort of food, but ... I mean, whatever."


"By the time the end of the day rolls around, my ability to socialize is gone. People try to talk to me and I look at them like, nope, I'm sorry, I am no longer participating in conversation at this time. Please stand by."


"Some days I wake up feeling like a pretty princess and then I look in the mirror and think, or maybe not so much."

"Is the light in your bathroom not forgiving?"

"I think really it's my ability to see clearly that is the unforgiving bit."

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Chilling It Down

I saw a post on Facebook that said: Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is ... I will vote for it.

Seriously, y'all.

You know what makes a refrigerator an attractive candidate right now? Two things:


2) It's super chill.

You know what our political system is NOT right now?


Let's determine what I mean by chill, because I think that's important. I don't mean it as passive or not passionate. I think you want political figures who have strong beliefs. I think strong beliefs are important even if I don't share those beliefs.

When I say "Chill" I mean: CIVIL. Human. Kind. Able to engage in polite discourse. Not shouty. Not rude. Willing to recognize differing opinions, religions, beliefs, etc as valid even if they are not the ones you share.

This election cycle needs to CHILL OUT.

Or I'm going to end up voting for an appliance, and no one wants that.

Monday, July 18, 2016

You've Got to be Kidding

So Gretchen Carlson at Fox News accused the CEO of that fine, upstanding (SNARK ALERT) media institution of sexual harassment and generally being a disgusting human being.

And of course, OF COURSE, some other ladies immediately came out and were like, NO, he would NEVER do something like that... because he never said anything like that to me.

Which, really? That's like Brock Turner's high school girlfriend saying that he couldn't possibly have raped someone because he never raped her.

Or like saying someone couldn't possibly be a murderer because, you know, they hadn't killed you.

I used to work with someone who sexually harassed me on the regular, and I felt like I couldn't complain because I was sure no one would believe me. The person in question had an excellent reputation, and to the best of my knowledge, didn't go out of his way to make other co-workers miserable because they wouldn't sleep with him, and I was new.  I was sure that if I said something, I would lose my job.

I was also sure that there would be a many women who defended him.  Because he'd never made their lives hell for not sleeping with him, he clearly could NEVER be guilty of such a thing, right?

In Carlson's case, the number of people who have come forward to say, No, never! have been tempered by other women who have come forward to say, Me too. But the "No never" people, the ones who categorically deny someone's claim of being mistreated or abused simply because they think they know the accused abuser and have not had personal experience with that behavior are part of the reason that sexual harassment and sexual assault are grossly underreported.

It makes me crazy. It's like -- when people of color say that they regularly experience discrimination and racism and other people say it can't possibly be true because they haven't experienced it or seen it themselves. Oh well then. Clearly it doesn't exist.

Maybe it's time we start listening to the stories people are telling instead of jumping to conclusions based on what we think that we know.

Maybe it's time to understand that finding something difficult to know or to hear doesn't make it acceptable to invalidate someone else's experience.

And maybe -- just maybe -- it's time to understand that just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't or couldn't happen.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Friday Randoms

"It's muggy as heck in here."


"Note that I did not say muggy as hell. I always imagine hell to be a dry heat."


"I made a bet that you would turn off my Barry Manilow while I was at lunch and I won."

"I just couldn't deal anymore."

"But Barry writes the songs that make the whole world sing!"


"I need another word for 'option' ... what do you think?"

"Can you read me the sentence it's in?"

"Um. Option 1?"


"What do you think?"

"I think I have been paying ZERO attention to anything you've said for the last twenty minutes."


"But I've been ignoring you with LOVE."


"Did you just catch a Pokemon in our house?"


"Wait, is that a rodent?"

"Yeah, it's a Rattata."

"I can't have that. We need an exterminator."


"Honestly, I barely consider raisins to be food. They're grapes that could have been wine and failed."


"There are lots of regular words that could be Pokemon names."

"Like what?"

"Chipotle. Jakarta. Hodgepodge."


"These are the gifts insomnia gives me. Don't judge."

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Inappropriate Responses

When I was a young 'un, my parents took my sister and me to see Star Trek III: Search for Spock, because we're nerdy like that. It's the first movie I really remember seeing in the theatre -- I know I SAW other movies, but that's the one that sticks with me as My First Real Movie.

So -- and if I have to put Spoiler Alert here, I will, but REALLY that movie is NOT NEW, y'all -- at one point, Kirk's son David gets killed by a Klingon (played by Christoper Lloyd, who makes ... a really odd Klingon) and in his abject grief, Kirk goes to sit down, misses the chair, and lands heavily on his ass and says "You Klingon bastard ... You've killed... my SON!"

(You should have read that last part as William Shatner as Kirk. If you didn't, please go back and re-read it so we can be on the same page here.)

I, um, laughed.

My mother was mortified, in a "I wonder if my daughter is going to grow up to be a serial killer because she clearly lacks empathy" kind of a way (and also, probably, in a "I hope this theatre full of Star Trek fans don't kill my kid because she laughed at James Tiberius Kirk" way as well). The thing was, though, that I wasn't laughing because I thought it wasn't sad. I kind of didn't get the sad part at all at first, in fact.

I was laughing because the overacting was so blatant. Not to be disrespectful to Mr Shatner, who has made a career out of that particular level of emoting, but I was eight when that movie came out and I could discern that it was over the top; since then, I have been grief stricken more and received bad news on multiple occasions, and never once have I lost my awareness of where furniture was or how to find it with my person.

But I digress.

What I'm trying to say is this: when there is spectacle, when there is over the top drama, it is easy to focus on the wrong part of the story. It's easy to see the man falling down because he likes a big gesture and miss the grief.

Which brings me to this election cycle. Donald Trump, frankly, scares me because I feel like the majority of his supporters are a bit like me watching Jim Kirk fall down. They see the spectacle but miss the ramifications of the message. The more buffoonery he produces, the more they eat it up.

I feel like I am watching Rome burn while the people dance, and it makes me uncomfortable and nervous.  As a result, when people say they're just not going to vote if Bernie's not on the ballot, or if they say they're going third party, I actually get more anxious about it. Failing to vote is voting for Trump. Voting for a third party is voting for Trump. I would rather have someone who I know is smart -- even if I sometimes disagree with her record -- and who is a human being in that office than Donald Trump.

Once, over the top made me laugh.

Now it scares the shit out of me.

I guess that's not such an inappropriate response.