Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Respectfully Yours

If you've been following along lately (and if you have, Bless You! I know that I'm a bit dreary of late), you know that I am experiencing some ... shall we say ... strife.

After a lot of obsessing reflection, I have uncovered the real root of the issue, which is this: someone didn't respect me enough to be honest with me.

This troubles me, as you can probably imagine.

As a result, I've made one of my local objectives (you know, the little changes) to be straight with people. I will try to be kind (I am a little too blunt sometimes; I'm working on that), but it's important to me to be open and truthful with people so that they know I think enough of them to be straight and candid with them.

This can cause situations, though. Like today, when someone told me that he understands how something I've been immersed in works and I had to tell him -- respectfully -- that I don't think he does, and then tell him the pieces that I needed him to understand.  I'm pretty sure that he didn't want to have that conversation --in fact, I know that he didn't -- but I'm also certain that is was vital that he see all of the pieces and why it wasn't enough to say that he understood.

He really needed to understand it, just like he really needed me to hear and understand him. I needed to respect him -- and be respected enough in turn -- to have that conversation.

It's not enough otherwise. I've had to learn that the hard way, but I get it now.


Monday, July 27, 2015

Global vs Local

I have spent every day for the last week in a constant state of anxiety. It feels like there's an elephant standing on my chest for at least eight hours of every day. If you've ever had the "help! there is an elephant standing on me!" sensation, then you know that it's one of the more unpleasant ways to pass the time.

And yet there I am.

I get yelled at a lot in the course of my day, and told I'm stupid. And a moron. And incompetent. Oh, and there's my favorite, which was "maybe if you'd gone to college you wouldn't be stuck in this job" by an angry person who apparently thinks it's okay to make judgement calls about people he can't see and knows nothing about while he's quite literally screaming at ...well, me ... for something that is literally both unavoidable and not my fault (but due to my university education I was able to think of several fancy adjectives to apply to his behavior, so that's something. Maybe).

I know that I have said recently that I need to evaluate where I'm living my life and finding my joy. That remains true. Unfortunately, what is also true is that while I'm perfectly happy finding my joy elsewhere and defining myself through other aspects of who I am?

I'm not okay with abject misery and abuse for the other hours of my day.

The reality of the situation, however, is that this is not something I can change right this minute, or tomorrow, or in the very near future. It's not possible to make wholesale change at this moment.

It's important, though, to realize that wholesale change might not be possible but small scale changes are ALWAYS possible. It's the life version of thinking globally but acting locally; if it's unrealistic to change everything -- and sometimes it is -- then why can't you just change a something? Even a very small something can have a large impact on an otherwise overwhelming situation.

I can't change what I want to right this moment. But I can start the process of change. I can begin to evolve and adapt. For right now, that means: research classes and online opportunities. It does NOT mean dropping everything and going back to school. That's global. Looking up online classes and programs? That's local. Thinking about a timeline for classes? Also local. Local = possibility and potential. Local = doable.

Local = not having to beat yourself up for failing as we so often do when we try to go global without really being prepared -- and let's face it, you have to make the local changes for the global ones to really work. Local = single steps. Global = the whole journey.

By giving myself the permission to make smaller, local changes, I know I am on the way to incredibly necessary global change.

And that makes the elephant step off my chest, if only for a few moments.


Sunday, July 26, 2015

Crossroads

I find that my journey has brought me to a fork in the road. I can continue on my current career path, or I can decide to make a change.

Getting here was difficult and painful -- but then, change frequently is. The tricky bit is remembering while you're yet hurting that a seed doesn't become a flower without strain and effort; your struggles through something are struggles TO something else. While you're in the sweaty, stabby thick of it, though, recalling that you are in the process of becoming who and what you are meant to be is a challenge.

It's also a choice.

I stand here, at this fork, and have decisions to make. There is nothing wrong with staying the course. There's certainly no shame in it. It would be (mostly) stable, and after the last several years, there's something to be said for stability. Choosing to alter my path? Not as secure. Not as stable.

But. Stability does not equal happiness, as we all know.

The question I need to ask myself -- and the question I think we all need to ask when we find ourselves at a crossroads in our path -- is this: how much do I value my happiness? Do I value it enough to take a chance? Do I value myself enough to make a change that, though scary (and we shouldn't discount fear as a motivator or as an impediment), could ultimately make my life better?

I don't know for sure which path I will take, but I'm leaning hard towards the less certain one. I know what is on the path I'm on. It doesn't fill me with joy. I know that for sure, as I know that life is too short for your daily tasks and environment to be ones that don't make you happy.

I will keep you posted.

In the meantime -- just for giggles -- consider your path, and where you are. If you're at a crossroads, which road will you choose? I'm curious!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Randoms

I

"I don't know what to do when you cry. It's freaking me out. So. Um. You gotta stop."

"Sniffle whimper snork okay, I'm sorry."

"Oh Lord, and now you're apologizing for it. You're killing me here!"

II

"So there was the prosecutor for the county, in a suit..."

"Yeah?"

"And next to him was a guy in a straw cowboy hat and a shirt that said, 'Sorry, ladies, I'm just here to drink.'"

"So an eclectic crowd, is what you're saying."

III

"You know what might be the stupidest thing ever? Movie trailers on the radio."

"I know, they're like television commercials for perfume."

"Right? Oh hey, that looks like something I'd want to smell like!"

IV

" Why are you making that face?"

"Which one?"

"The one that says you either want to stab yourself or someone else. Also, if it's the stab someone else face, please say it now so I can move out of range."

V

"Honestly. I feel like I'm standing on a beach, rubbing two branches together? And there are a bunch of people just offshore, flicking their lighters and saying things like, wow, that looks hard and awww, you'll have fire eventually and we're all in this together and no one will just throw me an effing Bic."

"At least you're at the beach?"

"You're making the stabby face again, but now I know it's directed at me. Gotta go!"

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Hope

A friend of mine, someone I have loved since childhood, is critically injured and in the hospital fighting for his life. Because of that, the frustrations I experienced today seem so petty and stupid.

Hug the people you love. Tell them you love them.

And if you have the chance or inclination, say a prayer for my friend Josh. Say a prayer, and hold on to hope.

That's all I've got right now.

Monday, July 20, 2015

I'm Melting

It's hot right now.

I knew it was going to be hot this morning when I walked out to my car and it was a lot like being smacked in the face with a warm, wet towel. I remember thinking, "Well. This sucks."

Since I refuse to use the AC in my car in the morning (it's a long story) I had the windows open. My hair blew around like mad and kept sticking to my face. It was still hot, and I got out of the car at work grumpy, with stupid hair.

The office was an OVEN. I don't know if they turn the air conditioning off when there's no one there on Sunday or what, but it was so hot that I made a cup of coffee, looked at it, and poured it down the sink because it was 7 AM and I felt sick due to the sweaty sauna-ness of the place.

Have I mentioned that it's hot?

This is how hot it is: as I type, my cat is -- for reasons that I can't even begin to fathom -- attacking the stripes on my skirt. Apparently they offend her.

And I'm just watching her do it because it's too hot to get upset about it. Whatever. Go get 'em Lizzie. Make those stripes PAY.

Maybe tomorrow will be cooler?

I hope.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Randoms

I

"I have... A huge crush... On Rachel Maddow."

"Who doesn't?"

II

"Starting my new job on Monday the 13th."

"That's ... Auspicious."

"If by 'suspicious' you mean 'fucked up' then, yeaaah. Auspicious."

III

(Dancing around the house with Lizzie, singing along to the radio)

"Well I walk these streets! A tiny tabby on my back! And she plays for keeps! Because I might not give her snacks! We've been everywhere! And she's freaking small! I've seen a million faces! And I've scritched them all!"

"She is concerned about this song you're singing."

"You should probably be as well... Sorry I'm not more normal."

IV

"Looking at someone you once knew well and feeling like they are a stranger is one of the most painful things I can imagine."

"So stop doing it."

"That is strangely good advice."

V

"Whoa, that whole situation is fucked up."

"I know, but it's a familiar kind of fucked up."

"Are you saying you're okay with it?"

"No, but I am saying that we've hung out before and I get how it works. Things could be worse. It's like, we're not dating? But we've had dinner."

"Your analogies are so weird."