"It's, like, 85% humidity right now."
"Dear God. You're practically underwater. You need to swim to your car."
"I'm not trying to be snarky? But she annoys me."
"So it only counts as snark if you're TRYING?"
"Something like that."
"So listen. I know you're having a hard time? But people love you. Like, some people go their whole lives without this kind of love. So stop crying."
"I'm so sad and happy at the same time that I can't help it."
"You ever ask yourself, 'Self, what the fuck am I doing' and realize you don't even know?"
"When you do, we'll resume this conversation."
"Thank you for calling Danielle's desk, where miracles are performed daily and despair is a fleeting emotion."
"Don't worry, I only answer the phone like that when I know who's calling. Mostly because the miracles are really every other day and false advertising is just wrong."