Monday, July 8, 2013

Lost. Found.

When I was a junior in college, my grandfather died. I can't say that this event messed me up, as I was already an anxiety riddled, depressed, anorexic disaster of a human being. What I can say is this: it showed me that there is not nearly enough safety in the world.

Subsequent events have only reinforced that fact.

Subsequent events have also served to reinforce to me that I have not done a stellar job of taking the kind of care that would allow me to establish safe places for myself. Added to the fact that I make it a point to fight with or drive away people who try to take care of me... Well. I'm a prickly little pear, and I've not pretended to be otherwise.

But. Sometimes, you reach a point where you need help. Even if saying the words "I need help" go against everything you believe in. Even if you don't really know how to ask for help because you pride yourself on giving it and not receiving it.

I've been absent from this space, and it's been because I had to take some time to rearrange my living situation. Which is to say: I had to ask for help. 

I didn't like it. I don't like it. I will confess that I feel like a failure and a moron, and that confessing that I have struggled, that I am struggling, strikes me as shameful. Even though I love my new place and I adore my roommate and believe that the choices I have made of late are good and necessary.

And even though there is safety here.

Because I think that the other thing I have come to realize -- and I think that this is one of the things that causes me to be a bit of mess -- is this: since I know that safety is both fleeting and scarce, I fear it. I know it's not lasting, and I don't know how to trust it.

But I'm trying. 

I'm also trying to be honest -- more honest -- from here on out, because I think that I'm not the only one. I know I'm not. It's a tough old world out there, and I don't believe for an instant that I'm the only one fighting harder than I thought would be necessary to make my way in it, to find my place. To find some peace.

I've been lost. I'm beginning to figure out how to be found, and how to allows myself to say that I'm lost, and to ask for help when I need it.

As always, I owe an enormous amount to everyone who reads this, and who has checked in and asked  around and offered assistance and love. The world may be short on safety, but you remind me that love is ample and endless.  Hugs and love to all of y'all. I'm back, and I'm staying.

No comments:

Post a Comment