Remember last year, when you asked me what I was looking for and I acted like I didn't understand the question? I knew what you meant. But I also knew that, like the song goes, "it was just that the timing was wrong" and that everything about who I am is the opposite of who you are and what you're actually looking for, sooooo... Yeah.
Love you (even though I know you don't believe it, and it doesn't look like it from afar),
I know that you don't understand why I was -- and sometimes still am -- angry with you. After all, other people have done more horrible things to me, right?
But those people? Didn't beg me to trust them. Those people didn't make a point to tell me that they were on my side, that they loved me, that they needed me to count on them. Those people didn't insist that I let them in.
So I did.
And then you fucked me over.
I don't know if it was intentional; I think it was not. I think you're careless. Careless, and you think the world owes you something, so you toss aside what you have in pursuit of that elusive "something better" and don't realize the friendships and opportunities you have left in your wake.
I was married to someone an awful lot like you.
(I know you know that's not a compliment.)
I will eventually forgive you. More importantly, I will eventually forgive myself for letting you in.
I will eventually want good things for you.
I'm not there yet.
You know that song that goes, "I got the call today that I didn't want to hear but I knew that it would come"?
I get it though. You do you, and when you need to shoot the shit? You know where to find me.
Hugs (so many hugs!),
Loved you then, love you now. We're both going to be okay, you know. Would I lie to you? (hint: NO I would not!)
Don't forget. You know where I am if you need me.
I wish you joy, Journey on the radio, and jam sessions around the campfire. You won't see this, but I wish those for you anyway.
~sweet Caroline aka me
I'm a mess, but you seem to be okay with it. Not sure what's up with that, but ... Thank you. For your big heart, unwavering belief, patience, and conviction. Me? I'm a sideshow. You? You're amazing and the real deal.
Biggest hugs ever,