Turkey Day, Part Three

I

I don't know if you know this, but there are apparently 5,597 ways to cook a turkey. However -- and this is a weird scientific anomaly -- any person you ask will tell you that their way is the RIGHT way, and that any other method is not only wrong, it is practically criminal and you should be ashamed (and, potentially, incarcerated) for considering cooking your bird in any other way.

This makes asking for advice, well, problematic.

II

"You know what's awesome? Brining your turkey. Alton Brown taught me to brine on his show and I made the best turkey in the history of Thanksgiving."

"Yeah. I don't have anything to brine it in."

"Your bathtub?"

"This might sound crazy? But I'm using that. FOR BATHING."

III

"Get a roasting bag and just chuck 'er in there. Boom! Done."

IV

"Roasting bags are the devil! The turkey skin won't get crispy."

"I don't think I'm going to eat that anyway."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

V

 

"Soak cheesecloth in wine and other liquid goodness and cover your turkey with that. It's soooo good."

"Wait. A roasting bag is bad but FABRIC is good? Like, you can cook it in a sweater?"

"Oh like you've ever done this before that you're gonna argue?"

VI

From the Butterball website: "place turkey breast side up in a roasting pan."

"Thank God they cleared THAT up, like it's not obvious. 'Hey, face this one way and it sits nicely. Sit it the other way and it's a fricking Weeble. Guess which one is  right?!?' "

"This is making you crazy."

"I was ALREADY crazy."

VII

The turkey, meanwhile, has been in my fridge. Not only is it not visibly thawing, but items that were sitting too close to it -- grapes, bottled water -- were freezing solid. TurkeyZilla is taking over my fridge and I still don't know how to cook the stupid thing.

I am beginning to think that my sister was right: this was more -- much, much more -- than I can handle.

Guess I'll find out tomorrow.