As I watched, I started wondering about how the homeowners felt if and when they watched their episodes... And I realized that the prospect of being on television would make me second guess wanting to be on a show like that, with or without the enticement of being about to a) have an amazing makeover for my non-existent house and b) hang out with the fabulous Mr Gidding.
Why is that, you ask?
Because I don't think I look good enough to be seen.
Typing that makes me feel incredibly stupid, but I feel like I need to repeat it: I don't think I'm worthy of being seen.
And that pisses me off. It makes me angry because I do not hide. I don't fail to walk down the street. I don't skulk about in the shadows; more, I don't advocate anyone doing that. Every person on this planet is beautiful, and all forms of beauty should be celebrated. Each and every one.
As such, the realization that I would possibly refuse if offered a chance at something wonderful but that, should I accept it, would mean I had to be visible? Infuriates me and, to be honest, makes me feel a little ashamed of myself. Not because I think I should be ashamed of my appearance -- I'm not -- but because I don't subscribe to a standard of beauty that never has and never will include me and yet would be reluctant to offer myself up as a counterpoint to that standard.
I should confess that, on some level, this whole debate is ridiculous. I don't have a yard. Curb Appeal will never be coming by my apartment, alas.
On another level, though, it forces me to think about whether or not I have refused things in the past because I didn't think I was deserving. How many opportunities did I allow to pass me by based on a ridiculous idea that I had to somehow become worthy before I could take a chance?
How many times have you done this in your life? More importantly, when do you decide not to do it any more?
I'm deciding right now. Some day, I could have a yard. Some day, John Gidding might show up and want to re-design it and build me a deck and drink margaritas on it.
And if that happens? I will say yes. Yes to opportunities. Yes to being deserving and adventurous and visible. Yes, starting right this minute.
It's never too late.