"When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and marry Hawkeye Pierce from MASH."
"Dude. That show was like, totally old when you were a little girl. Alan Alda is waaaaay older than you."
"So? It could still work out. It's important not to give up the dream, I say."
"When I got divorced, I didn't get custody of the tent."
"But I DID get custody of the air mattress."
"OH MY GOD ME TOO!"
(in unison): "Have fun sleeping on the ground, asshat!"
"Lizzie, want some food?"
"Lizzie, want to play?"
"Lizzie, want to be my sidekick as I try to take out Inspector Gadget and Pesky Penny and her little dog, Brain?"
"That's what I thought. Bwah hahahahahaha."
"You know how, when you get older, all of the days go by super fast except for the ones you want to go by fast, like when you have a doctor's appointment or something?"
"This afternoon has been about 100 years long."
"But for someone who's over 100 years old? YOU LOOK MARVELOUS."
"I knew I kept you around for a reason."
"That's when I asked myself, when did the 'it's perfectly acceptable to scream at other people' memo go out? I did not get that memo."
"I mean, if you need to yell at me go for it. But realize that within 2 minutes my brain's gonna shut off and I'm not going to actually hear you."
"That makes people even more angry."
"I know. That's one of the reasons I do it."