"It turns out that I loved the kitchen furniture more than my ex."
"Oh, I loved lots of things more than I loved my ex. Like pinkeye!"
"I just... I mean ... Today is sucking. Painfully. I can't even."
"I know. I want to give you a hug but I won't, my little hedgehog."
"Awww. You get me."
"I love that not only is Jared Leto your fake boyfriend but that other people recognize this and refer to him as your fake boyfriend."
"And let me tell you-- we don't fight, he doesn't leave the toilet seat up ... "
"He won an Oscar..."
"He's the kind of fake boyfriend you could take home to your mom!"
"Okay, yeah, that even sounded crazy to me."
"Every time I think, 'I'm gonna drink less' I have a shitty day."
"The universe clearly wants me to keep drinking. I can't argue with the universe."
"Ugh, My ear is bleeding."
"Oh my God! Are you okay?"
"Oh! Yeah, I'm fine."
"You're very calm."
"Yeah, I should probably warn you that this is a thing. You should be more alarmed if I'm NOT randomly injured."