RANDOMS! WHEE!

I

“And then he says, “We’re family! If you’re upset you should come talk to me.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah, he’s CLEARLY never met my family. We don’t talk about our FEELINGS. We brood. And drink.”

“But you do it with love.”

II

“She drives me up the wall. Talking to her makes me want to poke myself in the eye for the pleasant distraction it would give me.”

“Think of every crazy-assed conversation as material for later. That’s what I do.”

III

“The thing about trying on pants is that my butt is, like, separately sized from the rest of me.”

“Like it needs its own zip code.”

“That would be insulting if it weren’t true.”

IV

“So did you guys break up or what?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you tell him it wasn’t him, it was you?”

“Why would I do that? It was DEFINITELY him.”

“…”

“I mean, it’s almost ALWAYS me. So when it’s not? I’m gonna say!”

V

“I’m sad.”

“I know, bunny.”

“There’s only one thing to do.”

“What’s that?”

“Give my sadness cannoli.”

“So … sadness wants sugar and chocolate?”

“It wants wine too, but it can’t have that for lunch when I’m working.”