"That is a really good idea!"
"I have them regularly. You just, um, ignore them."
"You only think I'm ignoring them. Really I'm stealing them."
"... That's... Wait. What?!?"
"I'm kidding... OR AM I?"
II
"The shiv. For when you only LOOK unarmed."
"Oh my God, that is my new motto."
III
"There's a notice posted on the door of that house."
"That's never a good sign."
"How come notices on doors never say anything like 'please come in and play with the unicorn'?"
"They're usually warnings like, 'we're citing you because your unicorn is rabid and frothing rainbows out of its mouth.' "
"Eeeeew!"
"I know, that's why there's a notice."
IV
"Ugh. She sent me an email in all caps. So shouty."
"I wish there was a way to respond to that."
"There is!"
"What?"
"All lowercase. In a teeeeeeeny font. She's gonna yell? I'm going to whisper."
V
"The trouble with insomnia is that it causes you to look at your partner, the person you love most in the world, sleeping peacefully beside you? With rage. Because -- how is she sleeping? WHAT IS THAT?"
"But you don't elbow her?"
"Because I am a SAINT."
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