Push and Pull: a Conversation

It just got to the point that I realized: no one here is happy. He's not happy. I'm not happy. So I thought, what would need to happen for us to be happy? Really happy?

And what did you decide?

That there was nothing we could do. It wasn't anyone's fault, when it comes to it. It was just -- he kept waiting for me to want the exact same things he wanted. To hold onto all of his priorities the way he was holding to them. He had this idea in his head of who I should be and how I should be that way and that wasn't matching up with who I am. 

That's a hard thing.

I tried. I mean, he could be right, couldn't he? Maybe I should try to meet his expectations.

It doesn't work like that, though. One person can't do all of the bending. Compromise is a multi-party endeavor.

I know. I started to get mad. Like, how come my way isn't okay? How come my priorities and expectations and the things I want and need matter less than yours?

He thought you would change.

And I guess that I thought that he would, too.

People change all of the time. Change is a thing. But -- you can't force someone to become what you want. You can't expect them to. That's not fair.

I feel like a dope.

Oh sweetie. Your're not a dope. You just -- okay. You started out down the same path. Right? Like, holding hands and occasionally skipping and singing songs. That was good. That was great. But then you started to notice the scenery; the flowers and the animals and the trees were interesting to you, so you were, like, tugging on his hand -- look over here! Come and see! -- while he was looking at something down the road, totally walking forward and pulling on your hand -- stop lolly gagging! Look what's just ahead! And you can't... If you can't both give a little? Either someone is getting dragged along, which is not awesome, or your hands just pull apart. It doesn't make either of you bad people? It just means that your paths are going different ways now.

And that's okay? No. That's okay.

It IS okay. You'll be okay. You can meander and dally and check out the daisies and stop being force marched down the wrong kind of path while you figure out what the right one is, and maybe you can also -- not today, but eventually? -- wish him well on his.

I'm going to be fine.

You already are.