Monday, October 22, 2012

A Dream Deferred -- UPDATED

The other night I realized that something I’ve been wanting to happen? Is NEVER going to happen.
“But it COULD,” insisted the part of my brain that is eternally cheerful. The rest of my brain looked at her, blinked, and then decided that Ms Chipper needed to be buried under at least one pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
When I emerged from my ice cream coma, a bit hazy and sick-feeling, she was still there though a bit frost-bitten and subdued. I dragged myself into the bathroom and took another Lactaid. Then I looked myself in the eye.
“Look,” I said to myself. “This is just stupid.”
It IS stupid.
I mean, at some point, you have to stop believing in Santa Claus, right? You have to let go of some of the magic. You have to understand that no one is coming down the chimney.
You have to know that the phone is not going to ring. No letters will be received. No electronic voice is going to announce "You've Got Mail!"*
Your doorbell is not going to ring.
Hope may be the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, but eventually that little bird is going to die if there's nothing to feed it with, Ms Chipper and her "No, it could TOTALLY happen" personality notwithstanding.
I gave myself a week to get over it, and now that's done.
I just wish I knew what to do next.


I just reread this post, and I want to make some clarifications here, so that we're all on the same page (or at least in the same book).

1) This is not about any one PERSON making me sad. There have been people who have made me sad. I deal with them directly as a rule -- and THEN I write about it. This is not that.

2) I still believe in fairy tale endings. And romance. And stuff. I got a lot of private messages about believing in love -- and then I realized -- ohhhhhhh this sounds like THAT. Y'all, this is NOT that. No one has broken my heart. In fact, my heart is trucking along just as hopefully as ever.

3) I firmly believe that I am a human weeble. As in, you can knock me sideways, but I'm bouncing right back up. My biggest issue right now is not knowing which direction to point my weeble-face in, but you know what? That's okay too.

4)I'll get it figured out. That's what I do. I just needed a moment. But thanks to everyone who checked in -- you're the best.
*Which was the BEST part of AOL, no? How awesome was THAT?

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