"Sometimes it looks like the grass is greener, but then you remember that it's just a trick of the light."
"Baby, It's Cold Outside is the rapey-est Christmas song ever."
"For real. It's practically a police report."
"The cat would NOT get off of me. Every time I moved her off me, she came right back."
"She was like a tiny, purring, fuzzy boomerang."
"And then in the fourth quarter, the Pats ... wait. You're not listening. Are you listening?"
"I'm listening, I'm just not understanding. Or caring. But I am 100% listening."
"I hate carrots." (Bites carrot, immediate starts choking on carrot shrapnel.)
"Interesting. They seem to hate you right back. And they have murderous intentions!"