Epiphany #41654216354

Yesterday, I realized that if one of my tattoos was a person, it would have a driver’s license and be on the verge of graduating from high school.

Having body art that old reinforces the idea that, even though in my head I am perpetually 22, I am not.

And while I’m hardly shaking my walker at anyone or chasing children out of my yard, here are some other realizations that make me feel – well, less than youthful:

1)      I paid through the NOSE yesterday for some berries at the supermarket and then thought, indignantly, “When I was a kid, I used to pick these in my yard. FOR FREE! And now I’m paying $6 a pint!” Starting a sentence – even in your head – with “When I was a kid?” Pretty much means you aren’t one.

2)      So does using the word supermarket.

3)      I was THRILLED when I got carded. OVERJOYED.

4)      I seem to have lost my ability to judge the age of anyone under 25. After 25? I’m a pretty good guesser of age. Under 25? In my head you are 16. Sorry.

5)      My friends say things like this: “Do you really need another pair of Converse? At some point, you’re going to stop dressing like a college student,” and ½ of my brain registers it as fact, and the other half weeps tragically, because … WHYYYYYY? Even though college was (mumble, cough) fifteen years or so ago.

6)      According to the above, my college degree could sign up for Driver’s Ed. FABULOUS.

7)      I’ve begun to really value an evening in, spent with a book and a beverage, in a way that I never did before. “Wait, I can just … read? And not be witty and amusing? And not have to make up a reason as to why I don’t want to go out?! SIGN ME UP!”

8)       I slather on SPF 70 at the beach, because the goal is NOT a tan. The goal is vitamin D.

9)      I sometimes think wistfully of the days before cellphones, when you could go somewhere and no one could talk to you until you got back. (Please don’t suggest that I don’t actually have to have my phone on me at all times and achieve the same effect. It makes me antsy.)

10)   I may have referred to someone as a whippersnapper. I will neither confirm nor deny.

Having said all of the above, I’m cool with it. 

Except for maybe #1.

I miss the free berries in the yard.