Broke but not Broken

Once upon a time I wrote a post that said, “Woo, look at me, I’m financially responsible.”

Oh, I was so stupid then.

Well, not stupid per say, but … horribly unaware.

Here’s what happened:

All of my bills were paid off. Whee!!!

And then things changed at my job.

And then my paychecks started to be … irregular.

And then one of them was about $600 short due to a clerical error, which – oops – can’t be corrected. Sorry about your $600, Danielle! Oh, did you need to pay rent? Well THAT probably sucks for you.

Here’s what happens when your paychecks start to show up randomly. (And when some months, your expense checks never come at all): you go through your savings trying to get the stuff done that your pay is supposed to cover.

And then, maybe, you let your credit cards start to take up the slack.

Which is how you end up broke. Broke, and kind of terrified.

I can fix it. I can totally fix this. I’m just … freaking out, as if you couldn’t tell by the single sentence paragraphs. Part of my brain – the part that remains rational and tells me that depression and anxiety are both big, fat liars? – is remaining calm and telling me that I can dig myself back out of this hole.

And of course, the rest is a screaming, hysterical, sobbing mess.

So I’m trying. I’m breathing – deep cleansing breaths. I’m looking at today and right now solutions, rather than global and epic solutions, because that’s too big for my tired and weary brain. I can only deal with very small pieces of the puzzle right now.

Like, the edges, which is where my mom always said to start a puzzle.

So today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, I guess I’ll keep working on my financial frame. Eventually, the rest of the picture will fill in.

I hope.