When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best (UPDATED)

I’m thinking of writing a letter to someone I used to know, but I don’t think Hallmark or anyone else makes a card that says on the outside:  I’m sorry that you were kind of a douchebag. On the inside it could say: But I’m mostly kind of over it.*

Lest you think this is another “oh poor me, I get into bad relationships” post (Do I write enough of those to warrant such a response? Gracious, but I hope not!) I will tell you this: the person who would be receiving this letter was not someone with whom I was involved, but WAS someone I trusted. Apparently, that was a mistake. So maybe the card should really say: Boy, you pulled the wool over MY eyes! Way to go! And there could be a picture of a sheep, looking, well, sheepish. **

I haven’t talked to this person in about a year, although s/he told me the last time we talked that my friendship was really an important thing in his/her life and that s/he would call me “Soon. VERY soon.” Which turned out to be never, and which was probably for the best because not long after that conversation, I discovered that my “friend” was really a sneaky, sneaky liar. SO SNEAKY. SO, erm, LIAR-Y. So I would probably also need a card that has a picture of 1960s era Sean Connery on it that says Did you expect me to tell the truth?  on the outside and on the inside it could have a grinning man in a fez*** and say No, Mr Bond, I expect you to LIE. Because that would be awesome and, also, Sean Connery.

Greeting card companies really need to branch out more. There’s a whole bitter barn that could be filled with sentiment and postage stamps and written communication and stuff, because I can’t be the only person who wants to say this to someone: What you did hurt me and you were kind of an ass about it and I know you know I know you lied to me and when you said you were my friend I believed you and the whole thing made me feel stupid because I trusted you when I clearly should not have, but I hope that you are somehow happy now and, maybe, don’t do anything like this ever again. And I forgive you, even though you didn’t ask for it.

I’d buy that card.

And maybe I’d work up the courage to send it.

UPDATED TO INCLUDE:

Because cats make the BEST villians. (Thanks for the photo, Tim Pratt!)

*someone should make this card. I’m just saying

**As opposed to the multiple other facial expressions sheep can make with their little lamb-y faces

***I don’t know why a fez equals Bond villain to me. Whatever.