Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Know Thyself

Have you ever been hanging out with someone, and heard them say something about themselves that was  a great big whopper of a lie, but that they apparently believe to be absolutely true? Something like “Oh, I’m not very judgemental,” from the person who just hissed at you across the table, “OH MY GOD BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT!”*

Yeah, me too.

So in the interest of full disclosure, here are ten things about me that I would like not to be true, but totally are. If I try to deny any of them later, feel free to call me out.

1.       I am a dork.

It’s important here that you not confuse “dork” with “nerd”. Nerds are having a moment. Nerds are cool.  You know when I’ve been cool? NEVER, that’s when.  I’m very much aware of it, every moment of my life, and I’m starting to embrace the “I don’t fit in” feeling that I have at nearly all times (And by at all times, I mean at all times, including with my family… there are a grand total of four people who I feel completely comfortable around) because if you don’t fit in? You can get away with doing pretty much anything because those people don’t really think you’re awesome anyway, so you don’t have to care. This is somewhat liberating.

2.       I am clumsy.

I might tell you “Oh I love to dance” and that will be true, but the unspoken follow up truth is this – I also fall down a lot. In public. While sober. Sometimes during dancing. There. Now you know.

3.       I am highly strung.

I would like to be able to be described as mellow, or laid back. I am neither mellow nor laid back or zen-like. I have achieved this state a few times, but mostly? There is a reason a previous employer called me “hair trigger” and that reason is that if you push my buttons I WILL flip out. I won’t stay flipped out for very long (see #7 for exceptions) but it will be briefly intense.

4.       I live like a college student.

I work from home. Therefore, “work appropriate wardrobe” has no meaning for me. Neither does “eating like an adult” because … it’s just me. Why bother? Ramen and a pudding cup? Oh heck why not.

5.       I will find ANY reason to get out of a relationship.

It continues to amaze the people who have known me for a long time that Mr Wrong and I ever got married, because no one ever thought I would stay in a relationship long enough for that eventuality. I can find a reason to break up with anyone.  It’s pathetic. Now, to be fair to me, some people must be broken up with, because they’re stalkers, or because they want things in life that you don’t want, but I recognize that those are valid reasons to break up with someone, as opposed to reasons like “he leaves the toilet seat up” or “he really really REALLY loves Rush.” **

6.       Once a grudge is created, I will hold it for the rest of time.

It’s incredibly difficult to push me over the edge into grudge territory. As I said, I’m hair trigger, but I’m also an insta-forgiver. If you and I have a fight? I will be upset with you for about 20 minutes, and then I will be done with it and will fully expect that we will both be able to go on merrily with our day.

Unless, of course, you have crossed the line into unforgivable territory.

In which case, you will become dead to me.  I’m big on forgiveness, but there are some transgressions that will not be forgiven, and what they are is case-specific, so I can’t even review them.

7.       I am disappointed when people I love don’t share my worldview.

I don’t get mad about this? But I get REALLLLLLLLLLLLY sad. Like, heartbroken sad. It’s weird

8.       I am a crier.

I used not to be a crier, which caused people to be like “Wow, you are an emotionless block of ice. That’s not awesome.” Sadly, now I AM a crier. I would like not to be, but happiness? Makes me cry. Sadness? Makes me cry. Rage? Makes me cry. I need stock in tissues and waterproof mascara.

9.       I am secretly a slob.

My house is immaculate because I know that, underneath it all? I am a MESS. That’s why everything is so clean. Weird, but true.

10.   I am not spontaneous.

I love adventures. Carefully planned and executed adventures. If I tell you that I threw caution to the wind? That would be a lie. I wear caution like a beloved cardigan. I WILL NEVER THROW IT TO THE WIND. I am a planner, people!

So there you are. 10 things about me that I might wish weren’t true, but that no amount of wishing has yet resolved. What are your truths?


*if you’re my age, that song is now in your head. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

** I made those up. I have not broken up with anyone for either of those reasons. But I have used equally ridiculous reasons in real life.

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