The Heart of the Matter

I woke up on Saturday in an outrageously good mood. There was no reason not to be in a good mood, really – I was comfy and cozy in my bed, and Beansie was cuddled up next to me, purring.

Happy.

Because I can’t let a sleeping dog – or, apparently, potential moment of angst – rest, I poked at the idea of happy. Really? I thought. Are you REALLY happy?

I was. I am.

For that, I have Mr Aggressively Hateful Letter Guy to thank.

You might be thinking: Um. That makes NO sense.

However, when you get some “You SUCK” mail – and let’s be honest, I’ve been told that I suck before, though this was certainly the most eyeball searing example of that -- you have to ask yourself some questions. Questions like “Well, do I actually suck?” and “Do I want to keep doing this if these are the kinds of reactions I’m going to get?” and “Do I need to reassess the way I live my life?”-- questions that merit asking anyway, because it never hurts to examine your life a little bit.

It came to me, though, when considering what happened, and what should potentially happen next, that fundamentally? What happened last week didn’t hurt me in the way I think it was meant to. It hit me in a place where I felt outraged that someone would direct abusive, hurtful, HATEFUL garbage at another human being, but it didn’t hurt me personally. I didn’t leave my desk reeling and in emotional pain, scared and scarred, and resolve to change my life to live according to the standards of Mr Angrypants or anyone else.

And I clearly am not shutting my yapper anytime soon.

In fact, here’s what I have determined:  I’m fine just the way I am. Actually, I’m better than fine. I’m feeling pretty freaking amazing.  My life isn’t perfect, but it’s kind of fantastic just the way it is, and I don’t have to apologize or make excuses or try to live by anyone else’s code. I’m done with that. It’s not happening ever again – and for anyone who ever wanted me to be someone else, someone different or “better” or whatnot? I bear you no ill will. (And I’m not mad at myself anymore for failing to live up to your standards, either. Yay for both of us!)

Also, I realize that there are people who think I don’t suck. If you think I don’t suck? I love it, because I think YOU’RE awesome. We should hang out and toast our mutual awesomeness.

If you think I DO suck? Equally fine, and good on you. I bet you’ve got many awesome qualities, though we probably won’t hang out anytime soon, if that’s okay, because I just seem to rub you the wrong way.

I’m pretty sure that the intention of the “You SUCK” letter was not to shore up my belief that I’m walking down the right path, but that’s what it did.

Which makes me all kinds of happy.