"So then I thought, 'Okay. I could get mad about this. But do I even respect this guy?' and the answer was no, so I decided just to make the appropriate 'uh huh, okay, absolutely' noises until he was done yelling at me and then just continued on with my day."
"You're my HERO."
"Yes, and my super power is apathy and ennui."
"You know what I hate?"
"Oh boy. Let me think. Being cut off in traffic. Iceberg lettuce. Those little clip things that are supposed to keep bags of bread closed but never do. When your hot coffee gets cold and when your iced coffee gets warm. Stinky trash. Clowns. Coming home and finding out someone took your parking space. When you're on an airplane and the person in front of you reclines her seat. Perfume ladies at makeup counters. Do you want me to keep going?"
"I was going to say that I hate it when it's Thursday and I think that it's Friday? But. I do hate all of those other things too."
"The problem is that it's easy to be strong for other people and hard to be strong for yourself."
"Did you just say something deep?"
"Oh, shut up."
"You do realize that the sudden knowledge that I could make my OWN tater tots has revolutionized my entire way of thinking."
"Yeah, some people have political or religious epiphanies, but all of yours seem to center around food and snacks."
"I worship at the altar of potatoes. Don't judge."
"So I snaked the drain."
"Are you pouring anything ... unusal ... down there? It was pretty ... black and gunky."
"Other than motor oil?"
"..." (LOOK OF HORROR)
"I'm kidding. No, I don't pour anything down there other than, like, water. I WAS KIDDING. I wasn't raised by wolves."
"That's good. Also, WOLVES would know not to pour oil down the sink, so ... yeah. Don't do that."
"But you thought of it. Which means you could have."