Monday, September 14, 2015

The Games We Play

My last long term relationship was, um...

... Well, it wasn't awesome.

There were a lot of things wrong with it. (Which is sort of like casually mentioning that Denali is tallish, or that the ocean is a little damp.) Because of its wrongness, I tend to play some fun games with myself. I call them:

Second Guess All The Decisions! (So fun!)

Wait For The Other Shoe To Drop! (A party favorite!)

Live In Terror Of Doing The Wrong Thing! (Comes with an extra helping of flinching!)

Y'all. I want to stop playing these games.

I don't know how, though. I don't know how, but I do know that they're not helping me. I know that I express some feelings poorly: anger, frustration, irritation. I have a hard time coming out with them in productive ways, so instead of doing what a healthy person would do -- like express herself positively -- it's all passive-agressive and angsty, which is all there to cover what comes with trying to express those things: abject terror.

Am I allowed to say I'm frustrated? Am I allowed to be irritated? Is it safe to be angry?

I know for a fact, beyond doubt, that the Fella wants me to say: I am frustrated when X. I am angry when Y. I need help with Z.

I also know that I need to get past the fear of being able to say those things so that I don't feel compelled to wrap them in sarcasm and aggression, like the world's meanest gifts.

I'm just still working out how.

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