Monday, May 9, 2016

What. The Actual. Ever.

I find going to the hairdresser to be super therapeutic, and not just because I generally get offered an adult beverage the moment I walk through the door. (Although, let's be honest, that's a thing and it doesn't suck.) First? My hairdresser is a friend, and she is awesome. (Shout out, Chemistry Hair Studio!) Second, I like to have other people mess with my hair because -- well, because I don't really mess with it. I don't even wash it that often.* Third, because while it's processing (and it ALWAYS needs to process because coloring your hair is fun!) and I'm sitting under the dryer without my glasses on, it's like being in a warm, slightly whirring, blurry cocoon, where I can do some thinking. 

See? Therapy. And I get to leave looking and feeling great. 

Anyway. While the whirry warm processing was going on and I was staring kind of blindly (okay, wicked blindly because of the lack of glasses) into space I was thinking about lunch, because I was hungry. Here's the thoughts that were happening:

What to have for lunch, what to have. I had eggs for breakfast, and I was going to make chili for dinner, so I should probably just have a meal replacement shake for lunch because calories and I'm so FAT right now. Like, seriously. They're gonna take my picture for my new awesome hair and I don't want anyone to see me because so fat. So maybe I just shouldn't even have lunch. Or dinner. I should probably not eat again today. But I'm hungry. I could just have water? Maybe? I don't know. I have got to lose weight. Gotta do that soon. So, water then?

And then I thought: Seriously Danielle? (You know I'm having a serious talk with myself in my head when I don't refer to myself as Yellie!)



You know what? I'm fat. I have health issues that are contributing to the fatness, but screw it. I'll be goddamned if I skip another meal because I'm fat. Fuck that noise. You know what's stupid? Feeling guilty for EATING. Like you're not allowed to enjoy a meal because you have a big old booty. You know who else has a big old booty? J Lo. You know what she did? SHE WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. Helllllllooo booty. You are big! AND YOU STILL DESERVE TO EAT LUNCH.

So yeah. This is the most I've weighed in a long while. It's going to take some time for my body to decide where it wants to be, weight wise, and there's not a ton I can do right now except love the skin I'm in. As I've mentioned before, I'm not always great at that. But you know what? If I'm going to obsess about something (and I AM going to obsess about something, because that's what I do), I want to obsess about whether or not I'm being kind enough to myself, whether I'm taking care of myself and being generous with myself, and not whether or not I'm "allowed" to eat lunch. 

Because you know what? I am TOTALLY allowed to eat lunch. And to enjoy the shit out of it.

So I took Dan out to lunch. I had fish tacos.


So here's what I'm going to do, and it's what you should do too:

Love yourself. Love your body. Treat yourself gently and with generosity. You deserve it. You are awesome. You are beautiful and sexy and amazing and you deserve wonderful things. Sometimes those things are tacos.


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