Monday, March 7, 2011

M is for "Mr. Lipton, I Thought You'd NEVER Ask!" (with disclaimers)

But First! The Disclaimers!

Disclaimer 1 -- if you've never watched "Inside the Actor's Studio" the following post will make NO sense.

Disclaimer 2 -- the following post contains foul langage.

There. You were warned.

James Lipton: I am so pleased that you were willing to come on the show. Even though you're not really an actress, I have long admired your work. The fall in the puddle. The day your pants nearly fell off in the parking lot.  You are TRULY an inspiration.

Danielle: Well, James -- it's okay if I call you James, isn't it?

James Lipton: Frankly, I wish you would.

Danielle: James, here's the story -- I know I'm a tremendous goofball, and a bit of a dork. Oh and a klutz. But I try to just keep on with it.

James Lipton (a little in awe): SO INSPIRING.

Danielle (Blushes): Not really.

James Lipton: But yes, really. I mean, most people wouldn't be so upfront about their obsession with the David Tennant years on "Doctor Who".

Danielle: James, more people SHOULD be obsessed with those episodes. The one with the Ood? It's -- well, it's magical, really. (several people in the audience nod in agreement) Plus, you know ... Tennant is ...

James Lipton: Delicious?

Danielle: Yes, James. He is delicious.

James Lipton: Yet you also are obsessed with Jane Austen.

Danielle: Have you READ Pride and Prejudice, James?

James Lipton: No, I --

Danielle: Then I can't talk to you about it. You MUST read it.

James Lipton: Because you have suggested it, I will do so. Most humbly.

Danielle: Thank you.

James Lipton: Before I turn you over to our students, Danielle, I would like to ask you ten questions from the famous questionannaire developed by the great Bernard Pivot.

Danielle: Oh thank goodness. The point of this entire post was to get us to the questionnaire.

James Lipton: What is your favorite word?

Danielle: A word I enjoy that I use frequently is "festive". I've been called on the fact that I use it so much, but I really think life is kind of a party, you know? A festive occasion. However, that's not my favorite word.

James Lipton: What IS your favorite word.

Danielle (pauses): Possibility.

James Lipton: What is your least favorite word?

Danielle: Diet. (audience laughs)

James Lipton: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Danielle: This is kind of weird, but ... do you ever go outside in the morning, just after dawn when the world is enveloped in that kind of half-light and just ... listen to the world? That's the best. There's NOTHING better than that. You can just breathe in the quiet.

James Lipton: Astonishing.

Danielle: And about as poetic as I'm going to get here, James. (audience laughs again).

James Lipton: What turns you off?

Danielle: The Westboro Baptist Church and their ilk. I am intolerant of intolerance to the point of losing my ability to think clearly. Which is ... not okay, but I can't help it.

James Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?

Danielle: Great googlymoogly.

James Lipton: Really?

Danielle: No, it's "fuck."

James Lipton: What sound or noise do you love?

Danielle: My mother's voice. It just warms my heart.

James Lipton: Your mother must be remarkable.

Danielle: James, you have no idea.

James Lipton: What sound or noise do you hate?

Danielle: I hate shrieking of any kind. I don't even like the word "shriek"... but I hate the word diet more.

James Lipton: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Danielle: I'd like to work for the Red Cross, actually.

James Lipton: What profession would you NOT like to do?

Danielle: I'd prefer not to be a dentist. Or an orthodontist.

James Lipton: And finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

Danielle: Well, NOW the party's started.

(audience applause. Fade to commercial)

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