The One Where I Rant About FTD

In case you didn't know, last week I officially became Auntie Yellie to the most precious little button ever born on this earth. (Yes, I know that if YOU have a baby, you're probably going to disagree with me. And you're totally wrong because, hello, cutest baby ever And you are completely within your rights to do so, but this little guy is like a superhero who has UNBELIEVABLE snuggliness as his superpower. It's crazy.)

And since my sister and SuperBaby live in Florida, I thought I would like to send her some fabulous "OMG You're a MOMMY! How is it possible that you're even OLD enough to be a mommy? In my head you're still a little nugget!" flowers. I like to send flowers. (I also like to RECEIVE flowers... just throwing that out there...)

I mentioned to Mum:  I would like to send flowers to Pooks.

She concurred.

We began checking out the various websites and both found things we liked on FTD. She was going to order hers to be delivered on Thursday, so I ordered mine to be delivered on Friday. Thinking -- how fun! That's like two days of fun floral deliveries in a row to celebrate the arrival of Cutest Baby Throughout the Land!

So we ordered our flowers. And because I am a little over the top (what? You hadn't noticed?) I ended up spending $103.81 on these flowers. (Normally, I wouldn't mention the amount being a modest sort. But this will become important later.) Received a confirmation: Yep, we have your order and it will totally be delivered on Friday.

I was pleased with myself.

Life was lovely.

Thursday came. Mum got a confirmation that her flowers had succesfully been delivered to Pooks. "Then I shall get a confirmation tomorrow," I thought, completely excited about a) being Auntie to -- I may not have mentioned this -- His Supreme Majesty of all Things Squee and b) sending my sister flowers. I LOVE giving gifts. It makes me happy.

Friday came. FTD charged my credit card for 103.81. "There go the flowers!" I thought to myself. And waited for delivery confirmation.

And waited.

And waited.

And went to sleep Friday night with no confirmation.

And woke up Saturday morning with no confirmation... and thought, I'm giving them a call.

Let me just say this: I'm not at my most pleasant first thing in the moring before there's been food or caffiene. However, I DO know that the customer service reps for FTD are NOT florists. They don't make the arrangements and they don't deliver them. (That would be super hard, considering that,  based upon the calls I made, I'm pretty sure the customer service center is NOT in the US). Because I am aware of that -- and because Pooks used to work in customer service -- I made it a point to set aside the verbal weapons of mass destruction and just find out where the heck my flowers were.

"Oliver" answered the phone. (You've seen the commercials where a guy answers a customer service line and accounces that he is named "Peggy"? It was sort of like that.)

"Oliver" said that he would call the florist and put me on hold.

"Oliver" said that my flowers would be delivered on Saturday.

"Listen, Oliver," I said, "Let me tell you why this is not acceptable. I placed this order on WEDNESDAY. To be delivered YESTERDAY. And you charged me for delivery yesterday. So this. Is. Not. Okay. With. Me."

"I can discount it by 20% and will make sure they are delivered today," Oliver said, perhaps sensing that the proud Auntie of BabyAdorbz was close to detonation.

"Okay," I said.

In the meantime, my sister had seen my "OMG FTD FML!" post on Facebook and had asked Mum if I was trying to send her something. Mum said yes. Pooks said she would call me when the delivery came.

I know this is going to SHOCK you: She didn't call.

Because the flowers were not delivered.

I began to stew about this at about 6 PM. By 7:30, I was bubbling over with a rage that was significantly unbecoming to a relative of the most gloriously cute baby across the land. I called Customer Service again.

Sadly for them, they placed me on hold for 25 minutes. During that time, I had the opportunity to really consider the jar of whup-ass that I was prepared to dump all over their heads. When "Elaine" answered, I was ready.

We went through the "I will call the florist" nonsense. She put me back on hold and THEN dropped this one on me.

"Okay, so I spoke with the florist and these will be delivered on Monday --"

"No, they won't be."

"Um ... what?"

And then I uttered the phrase that I'm pretty sure all customer service reps hate. "Elaine, I'm going to need your supervisor."

pause. "But--"

"NOW, Elaine."

Back on hold. TOTALLY enraged. Because I don't know about you, but in my world, MONDAY is three days AFTER FRIDAY. As in, totally not Friday in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I submit that Monday is actually Friday's nemesis, and exists merely to throw the gloriousness of Friday into sharp relief.

As in, I did not spent 103.81 to have my flowers delivered three days LATE.

So when "Sylvia" came on the phone and said "Due to the holiday, the florist seems to be backed up and can't deliver them tomorrow."

"Sylvia," I said. "Do you know why that statement is totally the wrong thing to say to me? Because I ordered them on WEDNESDAY to be delivered on FRIDAY. TOMORROW IS SUNDAY. Delivery for MOTHER'S DAY is not my issue. The fact that my sister just had a baby and I tried to send her flowers to be delivered in the same week and you have not managed that and are now telling me that you can't deliver them tomorrow when they should have been delivered YESTERDAY ... and then I was PROMISED that they'd be delivered TODAY -- THAT is my problem."

That was when I had to stop to breathe.

"So you see, Sylvia, now YOU have a problem. Because I am very very angry. I was ALSO told that, due to the late delivery, I would receive a 20% credit. And I have to tell you, Syliva, I'm looking at my credit card statement -- the one, by the way, that shows that you CHARGED me for a Friday delivery ON Friday -- and I'm not seeing a credit."

"If you could just be patient, we can get these out on Monday," Sylvia said.

I don't know if any of y'all have ever watched "The Incredible Hulk," but, if I was prone to transforming into an angry, lurking, giant green being filled with anger and the ability only to utter monosyllabic thoughts, that would have been it.

"You. Want. Me. To. Be. Patient," I said, very slowly.

"Yes, ma'am, I can get these out to you for Monday."

"Sylvia." (If that is INDEED your name, I thought.) "I am so past the point of patience."

To make a very long story short -- FTD couldn't understand why I was upset. I mean, Mother's Day is a big holiday for them, so the fact that I expected the flowers that I had been CHARGED for to be delivered on the Friday BEFORE Mother's Day -- when a Mother's Day delivery would NOT have been an issue -- was somewhat ludicrous to them, as clearly I should have been more flexible, it being a holiday and all. I mean, the fact that the holiday had NOTHING to do with my order was just one of those trivial little matters.

She then said "I will try to have them delivered tonight." It was 8:30 PM eastern. I said, "Sylvia, I'm pretty sure that my sister -- who had a baby on Tuesday? -- does NOT want a florist pulling up to her house after 8:30 at night."

I told "Sylvia" to cancel my order.

I told her I wanted to be credited the full amount.

I also told her that, even though she said she WOULD credit me the full amount, I would be disputing the charge on my credit card because at this point, I didn't have a lot of confidence in FTD. She said she would handle it PERSONALLY and would call me.

It probably comes as a huge shock to you that I have not heard back from "Sylvia" or anyone else at FTD. It's been 5 days. I am not holding my breath.

However, I did see that there is a credit on my account. So at least that's something.

And also? I still get to be Auntie Yellie to the Prince of Cute-osity. :)