(un)Forgiven

I am not the type of person who holds a grudge. The things I despise are, generally, abstracts: injustice, homophobia, racism, sexism, classism. I hate a lot of  -isms. I don’t usually direct my anger/hatred/ loathing at specific people. If I get angry at a specific person, it usually lasts for all of an hour, and then it’s done. This is mostly because I am conflict-avoidant and the reality of being in direct conflict with someone – anyone – is so painful and distressing to me that I need to get whatever it is off the table and resolved quickly; it is simply my nature. Once I’m past something, I’m past it. We will never have to discuss it again. I’m not the type to have a later argument and yell at my opponent “This is just like that other time you did that thing!” because to do so is unfair – that was THAT argument, this is THIS argument, and they don’t need to be related because life is not a hockey game and we don’t need to keep score.

However.

Being conflict avoidant and generally not grudge-y doesn’t mean that there are not people – not many, but some – who I could cheerfully go without speaking to ever again. There are a select few individuals who I wish would have some sort of memory altering procedure so as to make them forget that they ever knew me, so that if there is ever a situation in which we meet face to face, they would not feel as though they have to make nice, or say hello, or even acknowledge my presence. We don’t need to make small talk – we don’t need to have any kind of talk at all – and I don’t want to have to be polite to them, or look at them, or deal with them. I just don’t.

This is not one of the more sterling aspects of my character, I know, but I confess it here: there are some people in this world who have hurt me, and I cannot forgive them.

I was raised in a faith that is all about forgiveness.  After all, Jesus – who was, after all, a very nice guy who did lovely things for people, and got executed for His efforts – HE forgave people! So YOU should be able to forgive people! C’mon! He was NAILED TO A CROSS AND HE FORGAVE. No one nailed YOU to a cross! So forgive a little!

I would like to point out here that Jesus was also able to do things like turn water into wine and walk on water. I’ve not yet managed those feats either.

That I am writing about this at all is due to the fact that one of the few people that I find completely intolerable sent me a friend request on Facebook today.

Which, of course, sent me into a tailspin.

Because – we’re not friends. The last exchange we had was completely hateful and accusatory on both sides. We had a history of conflict – we are very different people, who approach life from wildly divergent angles and who could not find common ground -- before we found ourselves thrown together, as luck would have it, on a project. The project was completed successfully.

Our ability to interact with one another was not so successfully resolved. Words were said – the kind that, once uttered, can never be retracted.

Some years have passed, and I’m not the same person I was, so I understand that my adversary may not be the same person s/he was, either. Perhaps the friend request is an olive branch. After years of Sunday School and forgiveness training, I understand an olive branch.

And yet.

I have not responded to the friend request.

 The loving part of my brain, the part that is kind and wants to wrap everyone in a warm, fuzzy blanket, wants me to reach back across the chasm and take the hand that has been outstretched. That part thinks that being Facebook friends with this person might be perfect, because it’s not as fraught as having to deal with this person in real life. “It’s a small step, but a good one,” says that part of my brain. “Surely, we can let go just enough to reciprocate. Surely, you can be the bigger person.”

And then I think, “If I was the bigger person, I would have made the friend request first. Also, when you say ‘bigger person’, did you just call me fat?”

“Oh knock it off,” says the loving part of my brain, exasperated – but in a nice way, because that’s what that part of my brain does.

The meaner part of my brain, the defensive, “don’t tell me I’m wrong” part, doesn’t want any part of this. That part of my brain, I think, acts like the loving part’s big brother. It tries to keep her safe and protect her tender heart, so it gets all blustery and angry. “This person HURT you,” it says. “This person is not deserving of your friendship. So, NO. And if s/he interprets the silence as a sign that you don’t like her/him? IT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T. Good riddance to bad rubbish.”

But I also know this: I believe in second chances.  Sometimes, that is taken advantage of, but there it is. I believe in second chances because I know that, if it came to that, I would want one.

So I should forgive.

But my finger still hesitates over the “accept” button. And my heart still stutters over the choice.  Maybe it shouldn’t be so complicated, but it is. Maybe I shouldn’t torment myself with it, but I do. Right now, it’s just a friend request – so simple! So not worthy of all of this angst! But it makes me think about the other people in my life who I have such a hard time forgiving, and wondering – if I reach back across the divide to this person, can I reach out to those other few? And if I do, what will happen?

I don’t know.

I know that holding onto my hurt like this is out of character, and I know that it only hurts me. Intellectually, I know that.

And yet.

I cannot seem to take the next step.