Tuesday, April 5, 2016


I was working right along, typety typety type, when I thought: Oh, I didn't do that thing yet. I gotta do the thing.

I opened a new window on my computer, took a sip of diet root beer, looked at the screen, and ...

... nothing.

What was I about to do? I wondered. I feel like there was something ...

Yes, folks, that's right. Not only had I forgotten The Thing, I was no longer sure that there even WAS A Thing. The very existence of The Thing was gone. I had an open window with a cursor blinking at me and my mind was as blank as the page I was staring at. This was bad because:

1) I share an office with someone who faces me. You do not want your boss to look up from his computer to see you, his trusty sidekick, face slack with confusion and possibly drooling a little. It's just not a good look.

2) There was a meeting taking place in the office, so I needed to be doing something. Possibly The Thing. If there even was A Thing, which I could no longer be 100% certain of. It seemed like there had been A Thing. All signs pointed to the possibility of A Thing. But ... WHAT WAS IT?

3) I was fairly certain that, if there had been A Thing, it was An Important Thing.

In an effort to look as though I was in deep, ponderous though and look wise, I steepled my fingers together in front of my face and thought again: What was I about to do?

And then I thought worriedly,  Why can't I remember? This is bad, right? This is so bad. It's worse than going to the kitchen and not being able to remember why you're there. It's worse than putting the coffee grounds in the coffee cups and the cream and sugar in the french press, and that was pretty bad. I mean, you didn't even change positions. You just picked up a root beer. OH MY GOD IT'S THE ROOT BEER. The chemicals are sucking out your brain. Everyone says soda is bad for you, yes they do, and you dismissed all of the stories but now you know that soda makes you senile. Dear God, I'm only 40. I'm not ready for senility! Is this how it ends? With sucked out root beer brain and an inability to do anything more challenging than watching cat videos on the internet? ooooh maybe I should watch a cat video. That will make me feel better. I love those.

With that, I had a mission. Watch a cat video. I went to YouTube. I opened it up and as I did, I thought, Oh, I have to send that email this morning.

And that was it. THE THING.  THE THING WAS BACK.

I sent the email. I heaved a giant sigh of relief. My brain hasn't been entirely sucked out, I thought. Awesome. I'll have more root beer. And then I'll ... um ... I'll do the ...

Oh, shit. What was I going to do AFTER The Thing?

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