I had a dream last night that was vividly present in my mind when I woke up this morning. In it, I was walking down a hallway when I saw X, a friend I haven’t spoken with in years. In my dream, I remember thinking: He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. I flashed him a peace sign, smiled, and kept walking.
But. He ran over and embraced me, and I thought: Nothing has ever been as comforting as this hug. We sat for a while and talked.
When I woke up, I had two thoughts:
1. I am so boring. Who has dreams about sitting down and catching up with a friend?!
2. I wish X was here so I could talk to him.
If I could talk to him, I would want to ask him – what happened? Why don’t we talk anymore? Where did you go? But I don’t think I would. I think, instead, I’d just soak in his presence like a sponge and be better for it.
I have said before and will say again that I know, rationally, that not all of the people that you love get to be with you for the whole trip that is your life. Some of them are temporary travelling companions. I still believe that to be true, but I also know that it doesn’t always keep me from feeling lonely when I think of X, who was one of the best friends I ever had, and who I realize I am not friends with anymore, and who I understand that I will not see again.
I guess that if anything good comes from a dream in which my subconscious basically torments the living daylights out of my waking self, it’s the idea that I need to make sure that the people in my life now, my friends and my family and the people that I love, know that I love them. That I appreciate them. That I don’t take their presence here for granted. I understand that someday they may need to move on, and I’ll try to take it with grace.
Sometimes it’s just hard.