Mostly Inoffensive

So I'm trying to clean up my language. Kind of. Mostly. Here's the thing -- I work alone, in a home office, which means that I don't need to mind my p's and q's. However, lately, I catch myself nearly (or, um, blatantly) cursing like a longshoreman in public.

EMBARASSING.

But not un-fixable, since I have these non-offensive curses as backup, and I do also tend to use them a LOT. So in case you're also a person who thinks "Hey, I'd like to try not to drop the F-bomb in front of my 8 year old nephew" -- or if you're just trying to figure out what I mean when I say one of the below -- then this one is for you, my friend.

Egad. Origin: Not quite certain. Use:  expresses the following notion: “HOLY HELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE TODAY AAAGGGHHHHHHHH.”

Example: You: "Hey, how's it going today?"

Me: "EGAD."

Zoikes.  Origin:  “Ziokes, Scoobs, where are Daphne and Fred?” (By the way, when I was a kid I totally DID NOT GET that Shaggy was a complete stoner. Ah, the innocence of youth.)  Used to convey a bit of alarm and surprise.

Example: Zoikes! My rent is due today!

Gadzooks.  Origin: I don’t know. Use: “Are you kidding me?” (Or, as my friend Tess likes to say, AYFKM. Which is my favorite, honestly. )

Example: ANOTHER negative political ad? Gadzooks!

Oy Vey.  I picked this up from a roommate once upon a time. (Hi Nora!) See also, WTF. However, WTF is generally saved for moments of complete anger, and Oy Vey conveys – oh I don’t know – a general sense of disbelief and is sometimes shortened just to Oy.

Example: TSA:“I’m sorry, Ma’am, but I’m going to need you to step aside for further investigation before we allow you to board this plane.”

Me: “Oy vey.”

Holy Monkey. Origin: My cousin Jay says this. And if you ask him what it means, he’ll say “You don’t KNOW?” until finally you realize that, oh yeah, you DO know. It means whatever you need it to mean.  I like to use it as a mild expletive.  (See also “Holy Schneikes” “Holy Hannah” “Holy Crazy, Batman”)

Example: (Dipping toes into icy cold water) Hoooooolllly Monkey!

Zut Alors! Origin: The Little Mermaid. Can only be said with an exxxxxxaggggerated French Accent. Used for “Dammit!” (See also, “Dammit, Jim!”)

Example: (Upon putting a toe through my last pair of pantyhose) Zut alors!

There. Now you can go forward and swear a little less. (Unless you really want to keep swearing, and then -- more power to you!)