... or, you know, not so much.
I had a moment over the weekend when I realized something about myself. And that something was not pretty.
I thought: We accept the love we think we deserve.*
And THEN I thought: Oh man. I am such a bitch.
Because the truth is that for the past several years ... since, say, 2007? ... I have not believed that I deserved any love. None. Not a bit. My family was allowed to love me, and my friends were allowed to love me, but as far as relationships go? Um, NO THANK YOU.
And I KNEW this about myself (okay, maybe not on the most conscious level, but still). I knew it.
I let myself go out with a couple of fellas anyway. Nice ones, ones who wanted to give me flowers and take me places and who generally treated me quite well. I told myself that I didn't WANT to be treated well. I didn't want to be responsible for anyone else's happiness. I didn't want the things that they really wanted to give me. To be fair and honest, part of this was a result of the fact that some of them wanted to "rescue" me (Oh, and one of them was married, which he revealed a little later in the game than was cool) and I'm not a woman who dreams of rescuing. I have a swiss army knife, folks. I can rescue myself.
To continue with the fairness and honesty, there was no way I could be in a relationship with these individuals -- who were good people, I might add, and who were very very nice -- because it's true that we accept the love that we think we deserve.
And when we don't think we deserve love, we don't accept it when it's offered.
Which leads me back to the "OMG I AM A SHE-DEVIL, AND NOT THE FUN KIND" moment.
It wasn't pretty.
It's wonderful, I think, when moments of epiphany result in thoughts like "Oh, I'm much more amazing than I originally thought!" or "The world is a BEAUTIFUL place and I can't even stand this much joy!" It sucks when your moment of epiphany results in the realization that YOU kind of suck. No one likes to be in the midst of plucking her eyebrows (which I was, which my eyebrow girl is going to be SO MAD at me for) when she realizes that the biggest reason as to why all of her relationships fail is staring back at her in the mirror, brow bone a-smarting, eyes startled.
"Ooops" doesn't begin to cover it.
"I am an asshole, albeit an unintentional one" does kind of begin to cover it, though it still doesn't convey the sense of "oh boy, I have been such a jerk" that I was feeling. Because, like (almost) everyone else, I didn't set out with the intention to hurt anyone.
That miiiiight, however, have been accomplished in my poor, pathetic execution.
My bad (she said, wincing).
The beauty of revelations, though, is that they can help you to propel yourself forward. You can ask questions like, Why WOULDN'T I deserve the best? Why SHOULDN'T someone love me? I am freaking FABULOUS, DAMMIT! I not only deserve but demand that people appreciate and love me. SO THERE.
Although, if you see me out with some unfortunate soul, you should probably take the time to have a moment of pity for that person. Lord knows, I'm kind of crazy.
But at this point, it's mostly the fun kind.
*This is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. READ IT. I'm just saying.**
**I should probably add that I got in trouble for teaching this book. So you should get your hands on it fast quick and in a hurry, because those are the best kinds of books.