I love my new job.
Except, you know.
I've begun chanting "I've only been here for three weeks" like a mantra. I've been told that no one has ever taken over all of their job responsibilities so quickly, which is nice, but I feel like an idiot pretty much every day, which is not so nice.
I recognize that it's arrogant to believe that I should already know how to do everything. Apparently, I have arrogance issues, then, because I hate -- HATE -- that this is not the case. Yesterday, I was able to answer three whole questions by myself. While this was an improvement over last Friday, when I was able to answer ONE question by myself, it's a tiny drop in the inquisition bucket of eight zillion questions I have to answer in the course of the day.
On one hand, this should be properly humbling and inspiring, right? So much to learn! I love learning!
On the other hand, waaaaaaaaah I don't know ANYTHING!
I keep telling the people in my life who are going through hard times something that I firmly believe to be true: in life, you have to struggle a bit (or, you know, a lot) in order to learn the big lessons -- the ones about mortality, and who you are, and all of that.
But there's that arrogance again, I guess, because the truth is that whether or not I believe that to be true, I get -- pissed off -- when I find myself in the struggle. Apparently, I really do think I should just know everything.
I recognize that the above is a ridiculous statement.
So. I am trying to apply my zen. I am trying to believe that the struggle to learn more quickly is a valuable one. I am trying to recognize that there is something lovely in the brain's elasticity and ability to bend around and incorporate new concepts. And, to be honest, I do recognize and believe all of those things, even if my recognition and belief is wrapped in a thick layer of frustration.
My saving grace is this: my new coworkers are truly amazing. I've never worked in a more supportive environment. They're encouraging and funny and awesome, and they keep telling me that I'm doing great, and reminding me that we're a team.
And I am learning. How to be good at my job, but also, how to be more humble. How to ask for help. How to let myself be supported and how to have realistic expectations of myself.
It's hard. Most lessons like this are.
But it will be worth the struggle.