Braaaaiiinnnzzzzz!

I was wandering about the house last night when the power suddenly went out. This might not have been remarkable, except for the fact that there was nothing to indicate that the power SHOULD have gone out – there was no loud crash or bang,  the skies were clear, it wasn’t stormy … nothing. Just one moment, electricity! And the next moment? TOTAL DARKNESS.

It was weird. And also, very dark.

I was rummaging about for my trusty flashlight when I thought: This? Is how the zombie apocalypse starts.

And then I thought: I am SO NOT PREPARED for this.

Because, really, I’m not. Once upon a time, I was involved with someone who became a Prepper. You know, one of those people who stockpiles food and weapons and money (although what the money is for, I’m not quite certain) and who is building a bunker in the backyard in event of some sort of cataclysmic event? Yeah. He went all Prepper on me AFTER we broke up, and in the interest of looking out for my well being, used to send me updates and recommendations for things I should probably put in the bunker I was definitely NOT building.

It was … interesting.

But as I stood in my house, the power out in my entire complex, the night filled with the sounds of … well, the river and birds and the murmurs of my fellow people who had no power, and the sight of flashlight beams cutting across the parking lot, I became very creeped out. (I should probably cool it with trying to catch up with The Walking Dead, honestly.)

And then I started thinking: in the event of an actual apocalypse, zombie or otherwise, what kind of supplies should I have?

So let me present to you: Danielle’s List of Zombie Apocalypse Supplies

1.       Beer. Also, books on how to brew your own beer, for when I run out of beer (which will eventually happen). Why? Two reasons: A) The reality is that I’m not going to be one of the people who lasts for a SUPER long time as zombies shuffle after me, trying to eat my brainz, because I’m not a fast runner, so I might as well enjoy the time I have left and B) beer makes everything better. Plus, in a pinch, a bottle of beer can double as a weapon. So, yeah. Beer.

2.       A Swiss Army Knife. The big one, with all of the tools. I really think this requires no additional explanation. (Also, if anyone’s wondering what to get me for Christmas? I REALLY want one of these.)

3.       Deodorant. And a tootbrush. Because after a couple of weeks with no power, no water, and sweaty running from zombies, cleanliness might be one of the few things that allow other non-zombies to distinguish me from the legions of flesh eating undead. (I’m not very graceful, so my running? Looks kind of like shuffling. I’d rather not take a bullet – or hatchet or whatever – just because I’m clumsy. So if I look and smell UNzombieriffic, that should help. I hope. Of course, this could also backfire horribly and make me more appealing to the zombies because I’ll smell like minty fresh goodness and pacific breezes. Which is why #1 is so important.)

4.       Neosporin. I feel like this will be important to have, because you don’t want any cuts or nicks to be exposed to zombie germs, do you? I submit you do NOT. Also, band aids. Perhaps an ace bandage or two. Just in case.

5.       I recognize that some sort of weapon (you know, other than a beer bottle) would probably be handy here. However, I don’t know what kind. I’m thinking a firearm of some sort, because you don’t want to have to get up close and personal so a bladed weapon is out, unless you have a good throwing arm and I kind of don’t, and a chainsaw or something is messy and requires gas, which might be in short supply, but a gun needs bullets and eventually they’ll run out. Ideally, a really good slingshot might work because ammo for slingshots is EVERYWHERE, but again, with the aim and stuff. So apparently, I won’t HAVE a weapon. I’ll just be the good smelling chick with the beer and the first aid supplies AKA the first one to succumb to the zombies.

At any rate, we were NOT having a zombie attack last night – thankfully, the power came back on after three hours. All was well. No emergency preparations needed.

But I am thinking of stocking up on beer. Just in case.