Make a Difference Monday is being postponed until Tuesday because I CONTROL THE FLOW OF TIME. No, not really. It’s really because I need to find out a little bit more about how the thing I want to talk about this week works. You’re probably all crushed right now because you count on me to help you to change the world (or something?) but, sorry, that won’t happen until tomorrow.
In the meantime, some letters that I’d like to send to various entities.
Dear Threadless T Shirt People,
For the love of all that is holy, please please PLEASE stop tempting me with $10 tshirts. PLEASE. I already have too many tshirts, and I’m trying to save money, and yet you keep emailing me tormenting emails filled with gloriousness that I am desperate to own and wear on my person. I keep unsubscribing, and yet, like a clever clothing pusher, you keep showing up with geekery that I MUST HAVE I MUST. I’m begging you – let me go!
Dear Client Who Is Driving Me Mental,
I know you think that you are the ONLY person I work with. But you’re not. I know you don’t care, but you’re making me more insane than I already was, which is saying something, but not something GOOD.
Dear Girl in the Common Who Clearly Doesn’t Know How To Throw A Frisbee,
Listen, I’m no athlete. I may, actually, be a bit of a princess. But watching you play Frisbee with your boyfriend is an embarrassment to women EVERYWHERE. And the way you giggle and simper every time you throw it (and I’m using that term VERY loosely) is not cute, it’s obnoxious, because the notion of “being too girly to properly throw a Frisbee” is, frankly, just lame.
Dear Chinese Food Delivery Guy,
You are like a superhero. One who brings deliciousness directly to my hard to find doorstep. I’m sorry more people don’t tip you well, because they totally should… and if they’re NOT going to tip you, they are clearly not worthy beneficiaries of your egg roll bearing goodness, and should be forced to wander, hungry and tired, through the mall on Black Friday. Or something equally dire. Because you're AWESOME.
Dear Cute Guy I’m Too Intimidated To Speak To,
Yeah, I’m also too intimidated to write to you, even as a joke. Nevermind.
Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Had to Deal With Me,
I’m trying to cut back on the following: swearing, being obnoxious, interrupting, and … no, that’s about it for the moment. If any of the previous items have offended you, I’m sorry. I KNOW they’re not good habits. Also, be aware that “cutting back” doesn’t mean “Stopping”. It just means doing it LESS. (I should also work on the whole “using all caps for emphasis” but whatever, baby steps people. Baby steps)