1. The Humans will utilize their thumbs in the procurement of food whenever I request it of them, whether those requests are polite or obnoxious, for I kindly allow them to live here.
2. I will not use the pokey things at the ends of my paws on their faces … UNLESS they are slow to respond to my needs, in which case – the pokey things will be applied.
3. All spaces in the house are suitable for napping. Especially the closet.
4. The closet doors shall not be barred.
5. If the closet doors are barred, I will have to take drastic measures. UNBAR THE DOORS.
6. Successful use of the litter box requires an epic and zoom-tastic victory dance. Things may get knocked over.
7. The Humans should stop putting things where they will get knocked over.
8. The pigeons outside are our mortal enemies. Windows must be opened so I can keep an eye on them.
9. The only thing INSIDE the house that is my enemy is my tail. I must stalk it at all times, and in all manner of spaces. Things may get knocked over. Please see rule #7.
10. Anything brought into the house is for me.
11. Anything taken out of the house WAS mine and I will look at the Humans with great betrayal when something is removed.
12. Making the bed is an act of aggression that necessitates the following: stalk the bedding. Jump on the bedding. Bite the bedding.
13. Books are for sits. Especially if one is open and The Humans are trying to read it, but also when they are on a shelf or neatly stacked.
14. Everything is for sits.
15. Cuddling is mandatory until it isn’t. I determine when that changes. You do not. You NEVER will. BWAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
16. Rescue cats are the best. Don’t forget.