Recently, something happened at work that left me both shaken and grief-stricken to the point that I was not able to function effectively. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't let it go, I couldn't get past it. It made me question what I believe about myself and what I believe about other people. It made me question my ability to trust people and the choices I make.
I'm still questioning the trust part a little.
But when I found myself waking up at three AM, sobbing, I realized that I had to do something. Actually, two somethings.
One: I had to address the situation that was causing this.
Two: I needed to reassess where I am living. I don't mean where the Fella and I physically live -- as I've mentioned, I love our tiny little hobbit hole. No, I need to reassess where I place my life's value. Should a problem at work cause this level of incapacitating depression? Should I literally wake up sobbing because I am frustrated at work?
I don't think so. I don't think that work should be where I am living my life, or where I find my personal worth.
It's hard for me to separate the two; I have the kind of personality that can only be described as driven to succeed. Succeeding at things, and being the best at them, is what I'm preprogrammed to do. If I'm not actively competing, then I must be asleep, and since I don't really play sports? Work is where I do that.
(In addition, I worked from home for all of that time so work and life became inextricably linked. They were the same. It's not the healthiest situation, as anyone who works from home on a daily basis would probably tell you.)
It's exhausting, though. It's always been exhausting, because you can never really relax or breathe, and the minute something goes wrong, you lose your sense of who you are.
Hence the heartbreak.
I am working very, very hard to let go. Not of wanting to do well -- I will always be a person who wants to do well -- but of placing all of the value of my life in the basket of success; I have so many other places to put that value. I can put it here. I can put it in my life with The Fella and the Wee One. I can put it in my relationship with my family and my friends.
And I should. That's where the value in life belongs. That's where I should live. That's where the value in life really is: in the bonds we forge with each other.
I'm working on it. I'll keep working on it. As for work, well, I'll keep working on that too -- but it's not my life's work, if that makes sense.
I think it does.